dear god, i'm moving on - please follow me... i will need your help

hello. it has been a while. i have had a rough go of life lately. lots of ups and downs. but as you well know, god, you sent me my dear same name friend, and we are going to try this journey of weight loss together. so i am not leaving the fat loss blogging world. just gaining some support and help of someone that is going through the exact same thing as me. so, come join me at my new site. i am sure you already have. thanks for all your help so far. click here to rejoin me in my quest to get that skinny girl out - for good.

love, your still fighting girl, allison

dear god, i'm a little gassy

yes. i said it. these digestive enzymes, fiber, and whatever else i am taking are making me have A LOT of gas. so  just for your information and those around me. this is a preface. sorry.

anyway, i went to insanity yesterday. she told me to quit smoking. gah. i know. but at this point in my life i am attempting to not have any vices. really. so smoking is now my vice. but the funny thing about smoking right now is that i know it's bad for my body and i know that it can kill me. ironically though, i don't care. so i smoke. too much. however, mr. rosewater is in the process of quitting right now. after he is through with that,  i will start my non-smoking journey.

i went to zumba 2 times last week. it would have been 3, but i missed the damn (sorry god, but it really is that bad) exit.

so i walked around some stores instead. not has heavy as zumba, but at least i was trying to be active. anyway. one time i went to zumba at night. instead of my usual day time/morning routine. oh dear god. you invented something awful. and that is zumba at night. i seriously thought i was going to die - insert quit smoking - but seriously. i was already so worn out from the day and coming off all of my regular medication. i could barely make it home. i don't even remember passing the krishna temple. and that's bad. hence, i couldn't make it to my regular zumba the next day. for now i am sticking to sun up zumba.

my food is going ok. god, you have to tell everyone about THIS WEBSITE all i can say is that everyone needs to be on this site. it is better than any other resource site i have tried. and of course it is free. it is better than ww online, my fitness pal, whatever. i love it. it shows you graphs of intake of fat, carbs, protein, ect. everyday is a new learning experience about what i am putting into my body. please pray that others will see the light and join this.

i only lost .4 lbs this week. but oddly enough i don't care. i am really focusing on my mind right now. looking into some chakra balancing and such. so the food thing is coming naturally. plus i am not that hungry. enjoying my working out and i know it will come off eventually. 

mr. rosewater started school again today. and that is sad for me. so i am going to visit my cousin. we will call her (sing 4th) so we can veg. her daughter (baby i once held) moved across country today. so we are both sad. and need some will and grace to cheer us up. little rosewater went back to his beloved sitter today too. so things are starting to get back into routine. however, my routine will not be the same. for instance i am up after the rosewater boys left. where as i used to go back to sleep.

ok, that is it for now. hope to talk to you soon, god. getting real close to that thing they are all talking about. spirituality and such.

love, your gassy girl, pepper

dear god, i gained - what?

so my nutritionist - we will call her insanity. and this is out of pure love. because she knows so much INSANELY information. (bad sentence structure, whatev) she is sweet, understanding, caring, teeny tiny, package of information. she knows everything. its INSANE. thus why i like to call her insanity. i really do love her. and lets be honest, god, we all know who is insane here (insert laugh, come on people that was funny). anyway, so i saw insanity yesterday. and what? i gained!!! i have been tracking, and yes, god, i did exercise. once. but it counts. so insanity was totally cool about it. your body chemistry is trying to figure things out with your new medication, you just exercised (before weigh in), this and that. SO sweet. does NOT want me to give up. so i left there thinking, whatev body. you can gain weight. i don't care. i'm loving this new insanity meeting every week. exercising. learning to find peace within myself. i'm fine. no melt down. just kept on moving along. it was AHmazing. i felt so good leaving insanity's house. she is the link. she is it. god, thank you to my wonderful mother who found insanity for me. i will be forever grateful to her for this. also, god. thanks for making me go to zumba by myself. because if i kept waiting for a friend's schedule to open, it would have never happened. and yes. i am the only white chick latin dancing it up. but i love it so much. i wanted to go twice yesterday.

love, your insanity loving, exercising maniac, pepper

ps. to the boss. i think that is what i call you. coconut milk is AHmazing. try it. it only has 90 cals in a cup. and insanity told me to drink it. so i am pretty sure it is better for you then regular milk. because she is all knowing. and itsy bitsy.

dear god, i zumba at LATIN ENERGY STUDIO

this is my favorite new place to get my workout on. just putting it out there that i love zumba and i love latin energy studio. check out their blog and their facebook page AND come zumba with me.

love your zumba sista, pepper

dear god, i'm back

it's been a few months, i know. not that i want to get into details, but i have had a bit of a problem lately, and am now trying to face this journey again. the healthy way. so first things first. i have gained all the hCG weight back, and more. i am going to a nutritionist and according to her scale - which i will go by for structure sake - i weigh the most i have in my entire life. i am dealing with this. i am not yet to the point of being ok with this. but i am working on it. so here is what is going on:

1. i meet with my nutritionist one on one every week for 15. the first time was much longer. anyway, this woman knows everything. it is insane and overwhelming. i gave her my most recent blood level sheet from my doctor and she went through it with a fine tooth comb. she knew how to read everything, what levels were good/bad, what could be causing weight gain or not loss, ect. it was amazing. she is incredible. just this little spit fire of nutrition. everything that comes out of her mouth is something new and exciting i can try. she is actually (hopefully soon) putting together a cook book for the holidays. she is out of this world. there is no disappointment in her face or voice or anything if you step on the scale and the number goes up. as i did last week and my number went up .3 lbs. which was good considering i was in the hospital for a week (another story).

2. she has a nutritional plan for me. i can eat 1600 cals a day. she wants me to write everything down. i use thedailyplate.com. best free online tracker i have used. i love it. it even shows a graph of how many carbs, protein, and fat you are consuming everyday to help you stay on target. it sounds a lot like weight watchers, but i am getting the one on one time with her, it is cheaper, and you build a relationship. it's almost like you want to track what you eat because you care about this person. anyway.

3. i am to do 60 minutes of cardio 3 times a week. and will then add in 2 days of weight work. i haven't been stellar on my cardio. BUT, as my therapist would want me to point out... i found a zumba class that will work with my schedule and went. all by myself. and it was amazing. dear god, how i miss dancing. the music, the studio, the movement, the sweating, everything. it was exhilarating. i know i will get on a regular schedule, things have just been a little "crazy" around here and we are trying to adjust.

so a few things to add:
a. i take a daily vitamen
b. i take a tbsp of cod liver oil - tastes like oily pine sol
c. i take daily enzymes. i think those are for energy
d. i am working on getting a rx for an iron pill
e. coconut milk is the best thing on this planet
d. and i need to drink 80-100 oz water a day - no SODA!!! i love you DDP

so anyway, here is my journal again to my weight loss journey. feel free to ask questions. i will try and update frequently, but at least one time a week after my check in with my new BFF.

love, your coconut milk drinking gal, pepper

dear god, hate to love it...

i exercised today. it was insane. and i felt amazing after. love those endorphins. i got these dvds years ago. and they are intense. and although i may like her in real life, i want to spew venom in JMs face. not because she is yelling at the camera constantly to work harder, or that her workouts are insanely hard. because both of those are facts. i want to punch her in the face because she has this weird awkward flirtation going on with all members of her workout team. and i kind of hate it. but whatevs. she has a killer body. so i must do as she says. annoying or not. 

tomorrow i am possibly going to try zumba at sweaty chix. i say possibly because the class is fairly late in the evening. as of right now i am committed. but with my ever so UNpredictable job, i just don't know how the day will go. i totally counted all points today too. even the new deliciousness that reeses peanut butter cups have come out with. 

love, your endorphin crazed lady, pepps

dear god, yes...i am certifiable

ok i am insane. i know it. but i have been SO down lately. hating life. hating myself. felling failureish. so i said. hcg...you and i are not working. at all. you make me tired. and have diarhea. and i am SO deprived. so i consulted with mr. rosewater and team mousetrap. and i have come to the conclusion that this weight is coming off no matter what. and i need to change my life. i got a great jump start with the hcg. but now i need to make a change that will last forever. so i joined weight watchers. and when i walked out of the meeting, i felt amazing. a humongous weight was lifted off my shoulders. and i realized a lot of my tiredness was emotional. i feel so free. and excited. i can't wait to exercise. and diet appropriately. i mean. i feel bad. that little rosewater may be 6 or so before he may get another sibling to play with. but i have accepted that. and i think this is a better choice for me. even in the 30 minutes i was at weight watchers i felt better than i ever felt at MD diet. they should take pointers from the ladies at ww. they made me feel so welcome and most importantly made me feel like i can really do this. so. with all that said. i am changing my goals. and my beginning weight to coincide with ww. i will keep my hcg before and after pics. but will start new pics today and continue taking them until i am at my goal weight. so. here we go.

dear god, i am attempting to savor this moment

mr. rosewater had spring break this weekend. and it was easter. so we celebrated with spring/easter traditions. little rosewater had an egg hunt in the den (this damn utah weather is killing me). his eggs came pre-packaged with sugary candy like "nerds" and "laffy taffy". i bought those on purpose, so i wouldn't be tempted with the premium pre-packaged eggs containing chocolate treats. thank god for those "nerds" or else i wouldn't have had any candy at all. meaning that little rosewater (because he thinks he is hysterical) put two little "nerds" in my coveted water bottle. thus, i had a sugary sweet 20 oz surprise.

then, we all colored eggs. and i must say that i very much dislike all these companies (yes, including YOU paas) that have to amp up their egg coloring techniques every year. as if the sheer color factor isn't 'egg'tastic enough. they have to add all this sparkle, camo, sticker, ultra neon nonsense into the mix. not. a. fan. anyway. the eggs have been a treat thus far. because i am allowed one egg on my 500 cals a day. i LOVE hard boiled eggs. and i LOVE that every easter we would make them into egg salad sandies. as nice as that fattening numminess makes my stomach giggle with delight, i am having just as much fun this year without all the cals.

i am officially back down to the 230s. i get a little annoyed with myself that i gained that much weight back. but it has been a lesson. and let us be honest. for reals. it may have been worth gaining a little weight on the cruise. it was that much fun. but i would have liked it to have been only 5 lbs. or none at all. but i guess i am saying that the real HOT pepper inside of me enjoyed myself enough not to beat the less intense pepper up about it. so i lived it up. a lot. and now learning. and paying. but i can do this.

i have been reading the happiness project. loving it. it really has put me in the moment. because if you really know me you know that all i do is plan. plan for the future. i am actually trying to type this and plan what my next steps are to getting ready for bed. but i think if i would have stayed in the moment with baby rosewater and not been planning his homecoming, my time might have been different with him. don't get me wrong. i enjoyed all of it. but would i have savored it more had i been there in that moment rather than thinking about other mundane things? this also helps with my eating and weight "project". i try not to think too far ahead. like, well if i lose this much weight by this date then... i mean i have goals. but i am trying to focus on what i need to do for today. it is a big help.

love, pepper.

dear god, should i pay to learn SKS?

so i have lost 5.8 lbs since friday. i am thinking it is a lot of water weight. but weight is weight right? yay. i LOVE watching the scale go down. motivates me. i am wondering about a personal trainer. what do you think? i wonder if anyone has tried that route before. you know for accountability purposes and some simple life skills (SKS). because i learned yesterday that we all need SKS. i know a little 15 year old that needs SKS training on hygiene. seems easy enough right? not for him. i guess i can just equate it to my need for SKS regarding how NOT to eat an entire serving of cheese sticks and ranch. seems easy enough right? not for me. i am a sucker for that kind of stuff. just like my little 15 year old is a sucker for sleeping in and putting on yesterday's shirt without showering. we all need SKS somewhere in our life i guess. glad i had that lesson. so personal trainer...

love, your non-smelly gal, pepper

dear god, new chapter, new spice

sorry god, i have been seriously mia for about 2 months now. excuses are lame, but just to make myself feel better i will try and explain. i finished my 1st round of hcg and then started my biggest loser video. so i got lazy and lazy and lazy. and then my cruise was coming up. so i got lazier AND way less careful. and i gained some weight. not happy about it. but i have to confess. because that is what you are here for, god, my confessions and such. so here it is. get ready. it's not pretty. my weight is officially back to 247.4 lbs. i have gained 18.8 lbs back. i know. not good. not good at all. 10 of that was on my cruise. i have temporarily failed. HOWEVER. i'm back. in full force. spicin' it up. balls to the wall.

ok. i started my 2nd round of hcg today. this time with the drops. hopefully i will see similar results to my last round. this program is a little different. they allow some different foods and i take the hcg 3 times a day. i will definitely be posting pretty much everyday now. need to be accountable to someone. ps. i am going to try and do this without the appetite suppressants. i will let you know how that goes.

when i get past my 3rd month of picture weight, i will start posting more before and afters. but for now this is about owning up to my mistakes. and making a serious mental note about what NOT to do next time i need to maintain. i obviously need to continue counting cals and such. probably for the rest of my life. or until i get it figured out. BUT. just because i lose 32 lbs does NOT make me an expert. and that god, is what i have learned. i was getting a little too cocky about my weight loss. need to come down from that cloud.

love, not dejected just deexcusing, pepper