dear god, can i be katniss for a day?

so i started my 'newest' weight loss journey on saturday (december 18, 2010). i have officially signed up for the MD diet. go to this link for more information. i am going to start with a 45 day hCG diet and then move into the MD diet - which is what they consider a way of life. 

for my first day... i filled out some papers. did my weigh in. laid on a table. got hooked up to a machine that tells me how much of my body is FAT, WATER, MUSCLE, ect. and then had a 2 hour nutrition class. i came home in the worst mood. WAY too much info for one day. i mean i knew how much i weighed, and i didn't get my FAT results yet, but good lord, the nutrition class rocked my world. like an entire semester worth of information in 2 hours is a dump truck dumping on a fat person. trust me, i thought i could teach the class. nope.

the philosophy basically is that we don't move at all and that we are not katniss. for those not familiar with the awesome hunger games series its a hunter/gatherer society at its best. and i want to be katniss. because she is a total bad ass. and she is skinny. because she has to be. because she hunts her food (burning calories), prepares it (burning calories), and eats it (chewing = burning more calories). and its all protein and water. 

now i know there will be critics. 'well of course you will lose weight, because you are starving yourself'. and i will reply with 'no, i am eating like a normal person should (albeit the hCG 500 calorie diet that will jump start my life mission to be skinny) because little did you know, our super size menu is not going to make us skinny'

ok, so now you all think i am on this weight loss, i know everything, soap box. i'm not. this is just for me. no one else. some say it is not healthy (mostly the hCG part). some say who the hell cares, lose the weight. some say, yeah i have done that before, gained it all back. some say good for you (some, meaning mostly me). but, my baby died. and even if there is a small teeny tiny fault on my part for being overweight whilst being pregnant, thus getting preeclampsia, thus delivering at 27 weeks, thus having a baby in the NICU, thus him getting an infection, thus us burying him at 42 days, i've got to get this weight off. for him. and for me. and for my husband and my other child. and hopefully for my other babies to come. 

so if you are reading, be happy for me. or not. give me your opinion. i'm cool with that. just know that right now at 262 lbs, i am not healthy and i need this journey. i have a purpose to fulfill. right now it might be to help grieve my sweet angel. later it may be to fit into those size 10 jeans again. and throughout the whole thing it may be to find my inner katniss. but whatever it is, i will find it this time. and i will succeed. dear god, i hope.