dear god, my mind is blank

and you and i both know this is never true. that my mind is blank. but i have so much stuff going on right now, that i can't even remember the witty comment i was thinking about posting last night. i had stuff to tell you, god. and now i can't even think about it. but this is what is going on in the life of pepper:

1. working like a crazy person to get the BL video done. i know that it seems like a lot of work for a 1 in a million shot at getting on the show. HOWEVER, this has been therapeutic for me. i've had to stare at myself A LOT. and i am finding that a) i'm not that disgusting (or at least i am just getting used to it) b) i am not hiding behind myself anymore. i don't care who or what sees this video with all my pudge spilling out everywhere. c) i am somewhat entertaining, and d) i finally found out where little rosewater gets all his awesome expressions from. (think elle woods in legally blonde right now) ME!!

2. i am working hard(ish) on staying low carb. FYI - noodles and co does not have LOW CARB noodles. is this weird, or is it just me? anyway, i am eating a lot of protein and trying to stay away from chocolate and such. doing fairly well this week. i haven't weighed in a week. so i am a little nervous about getting on the scale.

3. going on my cruise in 11 days. i cannot wait. however, i am very ill prepared right now. haven't even started packing. i have made several lists, though. and i am really thinking everyday about my meal options so that i don't gain 119 lbs in 5 days.

4. JUST finished my last class for grad school.

5. and ordering my hcg drops today.

love, your crazy busy gal, pepper

dear god, this amusement park is making me want to vomit...

i am beginning to think i can only diet or lose weight or stay healthy if i am on some insane strict program. the more insane the better. i mean, my mind set is there. i am done. i am done being this way. but dear god, this week has been so ugly. and by ugly i mean, pizza x 3 times, chocolate x 4 times, chocolate cake, 1 ddp (tasted like heaven, but mr. rosewater said it would be ok as it was for medicinal purposes), cafe rio x 2, cream fuffs (little rosewater's name) x 1 billion, and the list could continue, but because i wrote NOTHING down this week - except for monday - then i completely failed. grr. but, i paid for it big time. wed night. up all night. terrible stomach pains, terrible dia. it was awful. i am blaming this on my womanly cycle. but seriously. 1 week of ovulating and one week of cycle means 2 weeks out of the month of damn excuses to eat like a very "large" person ( i have been asked to stop calling myself fat...) i have 3 weeks left until cruise. still about 10 lbs to lose. i am in the super big pit of a dieting roller coaster. any suggestions? because you have to be as sick of this annoying back and forth as i am.

ps - most of the food doesn't even taste that good. really. i actually caught myself REALLY enjoying green peppers and hummus the other day.

love, your head spinning gal, pepper

dear god, pepper is BACK

ok. i am pretty sure i was ovulating last week. or something womanly. because i cannot even tell you what or why i had that meltdown. but i guess that is why i am awesomely dramatic. and nothing does drama better than a complete and total meltdown... in front of your work pals. nightmare. anyway, here is the info that you have been missing:

1. i tried out for BL on saturday. i got a VIP pass which basically guaranteed me a spot to see the casting directors and i didn't have to wake up super early to get in line. so we went around 8 am and left around 9 am. really quick and very anti-climatic process. we sat in a group of 12 people half-circling a casting director. we had 7 minutes. each person told the director who we were, fatness, do we play sports? what restaurant do we like? 2 interesting things about you that is NOT on your application. i SO wish i had NOT taken this liTeral. because i blew it. i didn't even talk about anthon or why i need this weight loss. thus, no call back. but whatev. also, i must say that i have NEVER been upset about being the smallest person in a group. well, i was very upset about this fact on saturday. 235 lbs is just a little crack userish i guess. anyway, we are moving on and here we go to number...

2. the most epic BL audition tape ever. i will be posting the final product on this blog. but i just want you to know that it is going to include some very awesome lip syncing and dancing moves - pretty much as awesome as an episode of glee. mr. rosewater says "well, you will be memorable". so here goes nothing.

3. i weighed myself this morning. i gained 7 lbs. i am back to 235.2 lbs. i needed to face the music. and i have to be accountable. so there you go, god. i am out of the ruble of rock and moving forward. i have decided that MD clinic can suck it. i refuse to even think about them. i can do this without them. so i am going back to my old standby - body for life. i love this program. it just fits me. i love the diet, workouts, and very much the FREE DAY. even though i get lots of dia from my free days. however, if you really know me then you know i do not mind an occasional bought of dia. sorry.

anyway, i am feeling much better. i am cruising in exactly 27 days. i am really wanting to get to my 15%. which is 12.2 lbs. i am not sure this can happen. 3 lbs a week. its a little steep. but i need all the encouragement i can get. so that means, god, that you need to put bugs in people's ears. like those that i live with and work with and see all the time. and even those i don't know that are in the same boat i am. advice is very SOLICITED at this time.

OMWord. i have to get this video done asap. before i lose anymore weight :) and before the deadline - which is march 25. aaahhhh. just a little fun precursor for you... can you say "i don't think your ready for this jelly"

love, your bootylicious lady, pepper

dear god, mama got a VIP pass

so i guess the BL audition needs to happen. because i randomly entered a contest online - which (think of rob lowe on parks and rec) liTerally did not make any sense. so i guessed. and i WON. so now i have to audition. it seems a little meant to be. even if i don't get anything but the experience. i have to go now. i am now a VIP. a fat VIP, but whatevs.

dear god, pepper is officially MIA - just for a bit

sorry i haven't written in a while. life has turned over on top of me right now. and pepper is lying underneath all the ruble and dust and volcano rock (as little rosewater always says). so she will be back shortly. just need a little break. but just so we (pepper and whatever this is that is lying on top of her) are held accountable... weight has been gained. about 4 lbs. so the scale is back in the 230s. 234.1 to be exact. just typing this is making me sick. but the truth can be ugly. i am however, resigned and am going to try out for BL this weekend. pepper or the fat ruble that is suffocating her. not sure which. but we will let you know the outcome. i will be back soon. i keep changing between we and i, so i think i am close to crawling out of this shit. balls to the wall.

love, us