dear god, i am attempting to savor this moment

mr. rosewater had spring break this weekend. and it was easter. so we celebrated with spring/easter traditions. little rosewater had an egg hunt in the den (this damn utah weather is killing me). his eggs came pre-packaged with sugary candy like "nerds" and "laffy taffy". i bought those on purpose, so i wouldn't be tempted with the premium pre-packaged eggs containing chocolate treats. thank god for those "nerds" or else i wouldn't have had any candy at all. meaning that little rosewater (because he thinks he is hysterical) put two little "nerds" in my coveted water bottle. thus, i had a sugary sweet 20 oz surprise.

then, we all colored eggs. and i must say that i very much dislike all these companies (yes, including YOU paas) that have to amp up their egg coloring techniques every year. as if the sheer color factor isn't 'egg'tastic enough. they have to add all this sparkle, camo, sticker, ultra neon nonsense into the mix. not. a. fan. anyway. the eggs have been a treat thus far. because i am allowed one egg on my 500 cals a day. i LOVE hard boiled eggs. and i LOVE that every easter we would make them into egg salad sandies. as nice as that fattening numminess makes my stomach giggle with delight, i am having just as much fun this year without all the cals.

i am officially back down to the 230s. i get a little annoyed with myself that i gained that much weight back. but it has been a lesson. and let us be honest. for reals. it may have been worth gaining a little weight on the cruise. it was that much fun. but i would have liked it to have been only 5 lbs. or none at all. but i guess i am saying that the real HOT pepper inside of me enjoyed myself enough not to beat the less intense pepper up about it. so i lived it up. a lot. and now learning. and paying. but i can do this.

i have been reading the happiness project. loving it. it really has put me in the moment. because if you really know me you know that all i do is plan. plan for the future. i am actually trying to type this and plan what my next steps are to getting ready for bed. but i think if i would have stayed in the moment with baby rosewater and not been planning his homecoming, my time might have been different with him. don't get me wrong. i enjoyed all of it. but would i have savored it more had i been there in that moment rather than thinking about other mundane things? this also helps with my eating and weight "project". i try not to think too far ahead. like, well if i lose this much weight by this date then... i mean i have goals. but i am trying to focus on what i need to do for today. it is a big help.

love, pepper.

dear god, should i pay to learn SKS?

so i have lost 5.8 lbs since friday. i am thinking it is a lot of water weight. but weight is weight right? yay. i LOVE watching the scale go down. motivates me. i am wondering about a personal trainer. what do you think? i wonder if anyone has tried that route before. you know for accountability purposes and some simple life skills (SKS). because i learned yesterday that we all need SKS. i know a little 15 year old that needs SKS training on hygiene. seems easy enough right? not for him. i guess i can just equate it to my need for SKS regarding how NOT to eat an entire serving of cheese sticks and ranch. seems easy enough right? not for me. i am a sucker for that kind of stuff. just like my little 15 year old is a sucker for sleeping in and putting on yesterday's shirt without showering. we all need SKS somewhere in our life i guess. glad i had that lesson. so personal trainer...

love, your non-smelly gal, pepper

dear god, new chapter, new spice

sorry god, i have been seriously mia for about 2 months now. excuses are lame, but just to make myself feel better i will try and explain. i finished my 1st round of hcg and then started my biggest loser video. so i got lazy and lazy and lazy. and then my cruise was coming up. so i got lazier AND way less careful. and i gained some weight. not happy about it. but i have to confess. because that is what you are here for, god, my confessions and such. so here it is. get ready. it's not pretty. my weight is officially back to 247.4 lbs. i have gained 18.8 lbs back. i know. not good. not good at all. 10 of that was on my cruise. i have temporarily failed. HOWEVER. i'm back. in full force. spicin' it up. balls to the wall.

ok. i started my 2nd round of hcg today. this time with the drops. hopefully i will see similar results to my last round. this program is a little different. they allow some different foods and i take the hcg 3 times a day. i will definitely be posting pretty much everyday now. need to be accountable to someone. ps. i am going to try and do this without the appetite suppressants. i will let you know how that goes.

when i get past my 3rd month of picture weight, i will start posting more before and afters. but for now this is about owning up to my mistakes. and making a serious mental note about what NOT to do next time i need to maintain. i obviously need to continue counting cals and such. probably for the rest of my life. or until i get it figured out. BUT. just because i lose 32 lbs does NOT make me an expert. and that god, is what i have learned. i was getting a little too cocky about my weight loss. need to come down from that cloud.

love, not dejected just deexcusing, pepper

dear god, it is finally done

i finally finished my BL audition video. go here to see it.