dear god, here comes month 2

here are my up-to-date pictures. i think the side view shows the most progress. sorry about the serious ghetto photoshop. i am working on something much better for future posts. 

dear god, i am back in the 20s

FINALLY. after a really long drought of weight loss, i lost 3.4 more lbs. and now i am in the 220s. i haven't seen those numbers in a VERY long time. but i am feeling a little weird about taking my month pictures. i have only lost about 10 lbs since my last photos.

advice: should i post more pics?

love, pepper.

dear god, do i really need to pay that much money?

PREFACE - long story beware...so i went to the clinic (md diet) yesterday to visit with my doctor and such. the nutritionist guy that works there - well ask me in person what i think about him - but anyway, he looks at my chart upon entering and says "how we doin?" and i said, well i am struggling a little. and he looks back at my chart and says "yeah, i can see that, what's going on?" meaning, that only 27 lbs (30 on my scale) is something to snub at. i was so irritated. i am throwing all this money at this clinic for them to say "OH MY WOW, you just lost 1/2 a pound, you are amazing, good for you." NO. apparently at md diet you have to lose at least 40-50 lbs on the hCG 40 day diet to be successful and get praise. and so i started asking him questions about what i could be doing different, to curb my chocolate cravings and he is just looking at me with this stare and starts throwing numbers at me faster than i can think. "well you need 45 g of carbs and you need 120-140 g of protein and you need to eat more in the morning" and on and on. finally one of the nice "girls" (they call them) came and talked with me. she spent like 20 minutes going over everything. and GET THIS, said for the "next two weeks you cannot eat more than 15 g of carbs a day". this is post hCG protocol. AFTER THAT, i get 45 g of carbs. so mr. nutritionist (who i really think hates women AND fat people - aka worst employment in the world for him) didn't even care to notice that 45 g of carbs would have totally ruined my 30 lbs. he just didn't even ask or look at my chart to see what phase i was on. what the hell? anyway, so i am sitting there for an hour. YES, you read right. ONE freaking hour to talk to the doctor for one second. and so i sat there and i thought. this is ridiculous. the nice "girl" that helped me out was so sweet, but in the middle of her ass kicking shpill she says,
"you realize you are going to just have to spend A LOT of money on this diet". so i was just waiting thinking all this through, rude guy who really doesn't care just sees $$$$ + someone who readily admits that i am going to be throwing money at them to lose weight + a one hour wait to get appetite suppressants + $140 bill = i am the dumbest fat person out there.

so after that rant. thanks for listening, god. i have decided. with much conversation with mr. rosewater. that i can do this on my own. i don't need to just hand "ridiculous" amounts of money at this clinic or anyone else to count carbs and protein. so i think i am done with md diet. NO, that does not mean i am giving up. i am continuing on my ever needed journey. just not the spendy one. however, that isn't to say that if i can get my hands on some more hCG, i will be more than happy to spend that money for another 40 days. i know this all sounds like a big round the loop cluster of confusion and rambling. and really, if that clinic was amazing, i would totally spend the money. because it would be worth it. so if you know of a place that treats their clients with respect and really helps them, let me know. i guess i am saying, in the meantime, i can't go back there. because i will just get pissed. and like papa says, then i will have no one to blame (or to complain about) but myself.

so i guess it isn't about the money really. but about the treatment of the fat person. why pay that much money for someone not to even look, ask, or care what phase i am on or why i am struggling. and like mr. rosewater says, just take a look at their wonderful advertising gimmick. an anorexic climbing out of a fat suit.

and please don't get me wrong. i chose md diet. and i knew it was going to be expensive. i guess i just thought it would be more counselorish and therapeutic rather than pushing the cattle through. so there. i am not blaming them. they do their business and do it well. but i just won't be a patron anymore.

love, your saving money gal (for now), pepper

dear god, i just had an epiphany

so i was posting in my personal blog and had an epiphany. and below is the post so you can understand my epiphany. but i think i am starting to figure it out. and i will let you know what "it" is when i get there, or even while i am on my way. but a few days ago, i was lost in how to make a full change and to love myself. but, i think i can do this, and there might be a possibility for an affirmation every morning to remember this epiphany. but anyway, here it is:

i don't get my picture taken very much, mostly because i am behind the camera, but also because i hate getting my picture taken for one reason - i am sure you can guess what that might be :) anyway, these pics are both from little rosewater's birthday parties. how i have changed is below

one year ago, i was probably about 20 lbs heavier (i only know because the saweet velor "jumpsuit" i have on in this picture is pretty snug. now it is pretty drapey). one year ago, i had no idea what kind of year i was going to have - which most people don't know, unless they are insanely awesome. one year ago, i ate anything and everything i wanted to at little rosewater's birthday dinner. one year ago, i was a LONG way from graduating.

now, i am healthier than i have been in at least 10 years. now, i will always be cautious about life and love everyone i can as much as i can everyday. now, i had an orange and tea at little rosewater's birthday dinner - while everyone else had pizza and cake. now, i have 6 weeks until i am done with graduate school.

2010 rocked my world in a really really bad way. but like i have told many people, 2011 is balls to the wall in every aspect of my life. and i am living it as much as i can.

and in memory of my angel. i just want to put out there, for the 4 of you reading. that life can change within one second. and i know you hear that all the time. and it never resignates with you, unless it happens. i look back on 2010 and did not accomplish a lot and i lost even more. and i look at that person in the picture one year ago and i feel sad for her. because she has no idea. and if she had an idea, maybe she would have changed things and had an amazing year. so, that is why i am balls to the wall. for the rest of my life. and now i just realized that i need to do a few things to be in full compliance of my new motto.

ps. don't take this as a downer. just take it as a reason to get up everyday. and love who you love with all you have.

dear god, is it bad that i think self affirmations are weird?

well god, the people that answered my very needed request were so wonderful. so thank you for them and their support. i loved everything everyone said and although i still feel emotionally drained, i am back on the wagon - due to my rockin friends and family. i have all the comments printed and put up in my exercise sanctuary to remind me that i need to keep going everyday.

...back on the wagon, but struggling with this maintenance phase. and by struggling, i mean, it is hard to eat more than i have been. because i pretty much just keep eating the same things as on the hCG, but more of it. my head is in a bad place, so i think i am just like whatever, i'll just drink tea. HOWEVER, i am super excited to start working out. i only exercised one time this week, but it was wonderful. and mr. rosewater said "that was weird" when i told him i was going to be exercising for the next hour. apparently it is pretty rare that i make this statement :)

i still REALLY want chocolate. which is another rare thing for me. usually i want fries or pizza. but i can't stop thinking about chocolate.

i haven't weighed in few days. should i continue to weigh everyday? i am afraid if the scale continues to go up and down i will get frustrated. my clothes are still getting looser (more loose?) . so that makes me happy. and i have a general sense of happiness about myself - most of the time.

i went to old navy the other day with little rosewater. i know, i am obsessed with old navy. but, i haven't been able to try stuff on in the store in a LONG time. so i put a bunch of stuff in the basket and went to town. no i did not buy anything. i just wanted to see how things fit. i can't believe i can wear an XL in most things, on top at least.

so god, my question today is, how do i learn to love myself? lots of people say that is what i need to do. and i think i like myself for the most part. but, i can't like read self affirmations everyday. i just think of stuart smalley and then i can't be serious. i guess i could read a self help book. and literally, if someone asked me what they should do to love themselves. i wouldn't' even know where to begin. which obviously means i have no idea and that it (loving myself) isn't something i am good at. which is a problem, because i am kind of in the work field of helping others love themselves. so i should be into that as well, right?

love, to weigh or not to weigh, pepper.

dear god, i am just going to say it...

i miss my baby. SO bad today. of course i miss him everyday. but today has been especially hard. and that isn't what this conversation is really about. but i think i have my little angel on my mind because i am struggling right now. and he is the reason i started this insane journey in the first place. and of course i will always have him to thank for saving my life, and my sanity. because seriously, god, for YEARS and years and years weight and food and everything in between has been such an obsession. and i have always thought, i am never going to be normal. i am always going to have this stupid "issue" with food and myself. and everyday i have hated myself more and more. but then my baby died. and whether it was for me or not, my life changed in two totally different ways that day. and so really long story short, i guess i feel guilty that i am struggling with this losing weight thing. because there may have been a sacrifice in place to get me to this point. the point of feeling FREE. i have such a dichotomy of emotions because i feel born again, in this new body i am creating. but i had to lose someone so innocent and precious to feel this way. it's crazy. and so, i miss him today.

i am at a stand still. between 28 and 30 lbs. because i keep cheating. its totally ridiculous. i know. i am having a visitor right now, and so i just can't get over my cravings. and i am giving in. but also, i had a come to jesus talk with mr. rosewater the other day about my spending. you see, i have traded my food intake for shopping. and now we have low fundage. because i am trying to keep busy with spendy projects so i don't think about why i should be sad. so now that i have stopped the spending, my food devil is back on my shoulder.

i sound like such a baby right now. i am making myself sick, just like my buddy x with her country music the other day (love you). so...

what i really need is a pick me up. i need someone to tell me something that will get my fire moving again. someone who can just say it how it is. like i always do to them. seriously, god, not enough people do that in this world. and that is why people think i am wild and crazy. because i just blurt out what i am thinking. and i need that from someone right now. any takers?

love, how do you tell people you have 2 children without making it awkward, pepper.

dear god, what a crazy day

so i have to get this out of the way. omw (oh my word, its new). the nba has been severely devastated today. god, jerry sloan has resigned. and i cried. a lot. perhaps some of it has to do with the fact that my monthly friend is around or the fact that i haven't cried a lot since baby rosewater died. but. nevertheless i am sad. and wondering if i am so crazy to be this sad over someone i don't know. and i only feel crazy because of my "buddies" at work making fun of me today during my turmoil. i know, i am super dramatic. in every way. and for some reason people laugh at that. but i am glad i can be of some entertainment.

in weight news. i have some updates about what is going to happen on the diet after my first round of hcg is done. so here is the deal.
1. i have 4 more days of hcg shots left.
2. then i continue with the 500 cal diet for 3 more days after that.
3. then i go onto the hcg post phase for three weeks, which consists of the following:
     *the basic detox phase i first started with.
     *extra protein like protein powder shakes and such
     *two eggs anyway i want
     *some other fruit like strawberries and grapefruit
     *and some exercise!!! YES. sweat will be flying. i can't wait.
4. after the three weeks i will start on the MD DIET, which is going to incorporate dairy and small portions of wheat products. and i think i can eat 1000 cals.
5. THEN my delicious and ever so coveted cruise will happen for 1 week of pure bliss.
6. back to detox, and another round of hcg.

i plan on doing the hcg rounds two more times. i am way motivated and know i can do this. i have an amazing support system, plus you, god. AND i am also branching out to other weight loss bloggers for inspiration and ideas. some of the ladies i have been reading about are amazing. motivation and inspiration is all over the blogging world.

ps. god, give thanks to my sweet cousin (lexton's mom) for cheering me up with her jokes via voicemail AND on this blog.

and also, god, my pal x needs a little pat on her back for remembering my love of the utah jazz and knowing how upset i would be about today's tragedy. great friends are all around me. thanks god.

love, your dramatic princess, pepper

dear god, i am getting a little nervous

so i must admit, among all my happy celebration in losing weight, the naughty girl is coming out in me. and she is saying: "what if you don't lose enough weight by the time you go on your cruise?" or "your legs are still way too fat for shorts." or "just eat those m & ms, who cares." i am fighting her BIG time this week. i think i let my guard down way too low on sunday and having a hard time building back my appropriate boundaries. i mean, i am doing great. still losing - although losing what i ALREADY lost last week. eating good. no pressures there. i think i am feeling a little too frisky right now. and i am scared the weekend is going to KILL me.

i cannot wait to start exercising. it will be nice to get rid of some of these nasty endorphins that are helping me feel all anxious and itchy. i HATE being itchy. this all might tie into the stress of my normal life. work, school, internship, projects, family, parties. i am purposefully staying busy as to not think too much. but i think i am going a little crazy.

i have decided during this most random post that i need to laugh more. it feels so good to laugh. and it is really depressing me right now that i can actually remember the last few times i have laughed really hard. like pee pee laugh. my work pal (e nice), introduced me to a funny lady via youtube today. i can't think of her name right now, but she makes fun of people's song lyrics. which is pretty witty commentary. god, give e nice a pat on her head for being a good friend today (and always) and making me laugh. i also have a really great picture that i am looking at right now of one of my besties (barbarella) with little rosewater. barbs had some drinks on an outing with us one day and got to taking pics with little rosewater in the backseat of the car. they are laughing together hysterically. however little is slightly suspicious of barbs. best. picture. ever. god, thank barbs AND little rosewater tonight too.

love, in need of some laughs, pepper

dear god, the super bowl isn't so super

ugh. although i had THE best time last night for our super bowl party. i am totally regretting my food choices this morning. 3.8 lbs i gained. AHHH. definitely NOT worth it. i even said that as i was gorging my face. mr. rosewater did do an amazing job on the food, but i should have just stuck with my 500 little cals. AND, who has a "cookie table" at their party when they are trying to lose weight? yep, i do. because i am insane. i could blame that one on pittsburgh because apparently they have a cookie table at large events, such as weddings (the super bowl is a large even like a wedding right?). i thought that it would put a nice touch on my themed food party of everything wisconsin/pennsylvania. oh it was a nice touch alright, a nice 3.8 lb touch. boo to the cookie table.

and the thing is, is this. i have enough self control. i know this, because i am in my head and i am overly motivated to lose weight. but i said, forget this, i am going to eat whatever i want at the super bowl party and take the consequences. so, i knew this was coming. and i accepted it before the fact. but now looking back it was so dumb. i could have woken this morning down another lb and thought, amazing party with fab friends. AND i stuck to my plan. so god, i have cried and whined about it. and i am moving on. did i learn something? yes, yes i did. i learned that food themed parties are amazing and fun. but they are also a ton of work AND fattening. and i have to remember this moment of disgust (yes, disgust) that i indulged and NOT do it again. i can have the out of sight themed food party, but i have to set limits.

ok. on to my day. thank you god, for listening and not being too tough. and thank you super bowl buddies. that really was a fun time. i loved every minute of it. please remember that we did discuss an academy award night (with only popcorn). so save that date. by the way...who won the super bowl anyway? :)

love, your 500 calorie eating friend, pepper

dear god, i hit my 10% goal today

yes, it is true. another goal achieved. yay for me. i have lost 26.4 lbs and i feel great. as a reward i bought some items from old navy, ignoring my mother's heed to NOT buy any clothes at this time. well, i purchased 11 items (clearance, people) and i am only keeping 1 cardigan. and this is because everything else was, wait for it, TOO BIG!!! i have to buy a smaller size in the normal oldnavy.com section. what? i know crazy. i was a little disappointed because i was SO excited for my cheap purchases, but really it was more exciting to know that i have to take them back and get something smaller. oh, and let us not forget that when you purchase from oldnavyfatties.com you must send back via mail. now that i am in the regular women's clothing, i can go to the store and exchange there. much less hassle.

love, your xl wearing gal, pepper.