dear god, i'm moving on - please follow me... i will need your help

hello. it has been a while. i have had a rough go of life lately. lots of ups and downs. but as you well know, god, you sent me my dear same name friend, and we are going to try this journey of weight loss together. so i am not leaving the fat loss blogging world. just gaining some support and help of someone that is going through the exact same thing as me. so, come join me at my new site. i am sure you already have. thanks for all your help so far. click here to rejoin me in my quest to get that skinny girl out - for good.

love, your still fighting girl, allison

dear god, i'm a little gassy

yes. i said it. these digestive enzymes, fiber, and whatever else i am taking are making me have A LOT of gas. so  just for your information and those around me. this is a preface. sorry.

anyway, i went to insanity yesterday. she told me to quit smoking. gah. i know. but at this point in my life i am attempting to not have any vices. really. so smoking is now my vice. but the funny thing about smoking right now is that i know it's bad for my body and i know that it can kill me. ironically though, i don't care. so i smoke. too much. however, mr. rosewater is in the process of quitting right now. after he is through with that,  i will start my non-smoking journey.

i went to zumba 2 times last week. it would have been 3, but i missed the damn (sorry god, but it really is that bad) exit.

so i walked around some stores instead. not has heavy as zumba, but at least i was trying to be active. anyway. one time i went to zumba at night. instead of my usual day time/morning routine. oh dear god. you invented something awful. and that is zumba at night. i seriously thought i was going to die - insert quit smoking - but seriously. i was already so worn out from the day and coming off all of my regular medication. i could barely make it home. i don't even remember passing the krishna temple. and that's bad. hence, i couldn't make it to my regular zumba the next day. for now i am sticking to sun up zumba.

my food is going ok. god, you have to tell everyone about THIS WEBSITE all i can say is that everyone needs to be on this site. it is better than any other resource site i have tried. and of course it is free. it is better than ww online, my fitness pal, whatever. i love it. it shows you graphs of intake of fat, carbs, protein, ect. everyday is a new learning experience about what i am putting into my body. please pray that others will see the light and join this.

i only lost .4 lbs this week. but oddly enough i don't care. i am really focusing on my mind right now. looking into some chakra balancing and such. so the food thing is coming naturally. plus i am not that hungry. enjoying my working out and i know it will come off eventually. 

mr. rosewater started school again today. and that is sad for me. so i am going to visit my cousin. we will call her (sing 4th) so we can veg. her daughter (baby i once held) moved across country today. so we are both sad. and need some will and grace to cheer us up. little rosewater went back to his beloved sitter today too. so things are starting to get back into routine. however, my routine will not be the same. for instance i am up after the rosewater boys left. where as i used to go back to sleep.

ok, that is it for now. hope to talk to you soon, god. getting real close to that thing they are all talking about. spirituality and such.

love, your gassy girl, pepper

dear god, i gained - what?

so my nutritionist - we will call her insanity. and this is out of pure love. because she knows so much INSANELY information. (bad sentence structure, whatev) she is sweet, understanding, caring, teeny tiny, package of information. she knows everything. its INSANE. thus why i like to call her insanity. i really do love her. and lets be honest, god, we all know who is insane here (insert laugh, come on people that was funny). anyway, so i saw insanity yesterday. and what? i gained!!! i have been tracking, and yes, god, i did exercise. once. but it counts. so insanity was totally cool about it. your body chemistry is trying to figure things out with your new medication, you just exercised (before weigh in), this and that. SO sweet. does NOT want me to give up. so i left there thinking, whatev body. you can gain weight. i don't care. i'm loving this new insanity meeting every week. exercising. learning to find peace within myself. i'm fine. no melt down. just kept on moving along. it was AHmazing. i felt so good leaving insanity's house. she is the link. she is it. god, thank you to my wonderful mother who found insanity for me. i will be forever grateful to her for this. also, god. thanks for making me go to zumba by myself. because if i kept waiting for a friend's schedule to open, it would have never happened. and yes. i am the only white chick latin dancing it up. but i love it so much. i wanted to go twice yesterday.

love, your insanity loving, exercising maniac, pepper

ps. to the boss. i think that is what i call you. coconut milk is AHmazing. try it. it only has 90 cals in a cup. and insanity told me to drink it. so i am pretty sure it is better for you then regular milk. because she is all knowing. and itsy bitsy.

dear god, i zumba at LATIN ENERGY STUDIO

this is my favorite new place to get my workout on. just putting it out there that i love zumba and i love latin energy studio. check out their blog and their facebook page AND come zumba with me.

love your zumba sista, pepper

dear god, i'm back

it's been a few months, i know. not that i want to get into details, but i have had a bit of a problem lately, and am now trying to face this journey again. the healthy way. so first things first. i have gained all the hCG weight back, and more. i am going to a nutritionist and according to her scale - which i will go by for structure sake - i weigh the most i have in my entire life. i am dealing with this. i am not yet to the point of being ok with this. but i am working on it. so here is what is going on:

1. i meet with my nutritionist one on one every week for 15. the first time was much longer. anyway, this woman knows everything. it is insane and overwhelming. i gave her my most recent blood level sheet from my doctor and she went through it with a fine tooth comb. she knew how to read everything, what levels were good/bad, what could be causing weight gain or not loss, ect. it was amazing. she is incredible. just this little spit fire of nutrition. everything that comes out of her mouth is something new and exciting i can try. she is actually (hopefully soon) putting together a cook book for the holidays. she is out of this world. there is no disappointment in her face or voice or anything if you step on the scale and the number goes up. as i did last week and my number went up .3 lbs. which was good considering i was in the hospital for a week (another story).

2. she has a nutritional plan for me. i can eat 1600 cals a day. she wants me to write everything down. i use thedailyplate.com. best free online tracker i have used. i love it. it even shows a graph of how many carbs, protein, and fat you are consuming everyday to help you stay on target. it sounds a lot like weight watchers, but i am getting the one on one time with her, it is cheaper, and you build a relationship. it's almost like you want to track what you eat because you care about this person. anyway.

3. i am to do 60 minutes of cardio 3 times a week. and will then add in 2 days of weight work. i haven't been stellar on my cardio. BUT, as my therapist would want me to point out... i found a zumba class that will work with my schedule and went. all by myself. and it was amazing. dear god, how i miss dancing. the music, the studio, the movement, the sweating, everything. it was exhilarating. i know i will get on a regular schedule, things have just been a little "crazy" around here and we are trying to adjust.

so a few things to add:
a. i take a daily vitamen
b. i take a tbsp of cod liver oil - tastes like oily pine sol
c. i take daily enzymes. i think those are for energy
d. i am working on getting a rx for an iron pill
e. coconut milk is the best thing on this planet
d. and i need to drink 80-100 oz water a day - no SODA!!! i love you DDP

so anyway, here is my journal again to my weight loss journey. feel free to ask questions. i will try and update frequently, but at least one time a week after my check in with my new BFF.

love, your coconut milk drinking gal, pepper

dear god, hate to love it...

i exercised today. it was insane. and i felt amazing after. love those endorphins. i got these dvds years ago. and they are intense. and although i may like her in real life, i want to spew venom in JMs face. not because she is yelling at the camera constantly to work harder, or that her workouts are insanely hard. because both of those are facts. i want to punch her in the face because she has this weird awkward flirtation going on with all members of her workout team. and i kind of hate it. but whatevs. she has a killer body. so i must do as she says. annoying or not. 

tomorrow i am possibly going to try zumba at sweaty chix. i say possibly because the class is fairly late in the evening. as of right now i am committed. but with my ever so UNpredictable job, i just don't know how the day will go. i totally counted all points today too. even the new deliciousness that reeses peanut butter cups have come out with. 

love, your endorphin crazed lady, pepps

dear god, yes...i am certifiable

ok i am insane. i know it. but i have been SO down lately. hating life. hating myself. felling failureish. so i said. hcg...you and i are not working. at all. you make me tired. and have diarhea. and i am SO deprived. so i consulted with mr. rosewater and team mousetrap. and i have come to the conclusion that this weight is coming off no matter what. and i need to change my life. i got a great jump start with the hcg. but now i need to make a change that will last forever. so i joined weight watchers. and when i walked out of the meeting, i felt amazing. a humongous weight was lifted off my shoulders. and i realized a lot of my tiredness was emotional. i feel so free. and excited. i can't wait to exercise. and diet appropriately. i mean. i feel bad. that little rosewater may be 6 or so before he may get another sibling to play with. but i have accepted that. and i think this is a better choice for me. even in the 30 minutes i was at weight watchers i felt better than i ever felt at MD diet. they should take pointers from the ladies at ww. they made me feel so welcome and most importantly made me feel like i can really do this. so. with all that said. i am changing my goals. and my beginning weight to coincide with ww. i will keep my hcg before and after pics. but will start new pics today and continue taking them until i am at my goal weight. so. here we go.

dear god, i am attempting to savor this moment

mr. rosewater had spring break this weekend. and it was easter. so we celebrated with spring/easter traditions. little rosewater had an egg hunt in the den (this damn utah weather is killing me). his eggs came pre-packaged with sugary candy like "nerds" and "laffy taffy". i bought those on purpose, so i wouldn't be tempted with the premium pre-packaged eggs containing chocolate treats. thank god for those "nerds" or else i wouldn't have had any candy at all. meaning that little rosewater (because he thinks he is hysterical) put two little "nerds" in my coveted water bottle. thus, i had a sugary sweet 20 oz surprise.

then, we all colored eggs. and i must say that i very much dislike all these companies (yes, including YOU paas) that have to amp up their egg coloring techniques every year. as if the sheer color factor isn't 'egg'tastic enough. they have to add all this sparkle, camo, sticker, ultra neon nonsense into the mix. not. a. fan. anyway. the eggs have been a treat thus far. because i am allowed one egg on my 500 cals a day. i LOVE hard boiled eggs. and i LOVE that every easter we would make them into egg salad sandies. as nice as that fattening numminess makes my stomach giggle with delight, i am having just as much fun this year without all the cals.

i am officially back down to the 230s. i get a little annoyed with myself that i gained that much weight back. but it has been a lesson. and let us be honest. for reals. it may have been worth gaining a little weight on the cruise. it was that much fun. but i would have liked it to have been only 5 lbs. or none at all. but i guess i am saying that the real HOT pepper inside of me enjoyed myself enough not to beat the less intense pepper up about it. so i lived it up. a lot. and now learning. and paying. but i can do this.

i have been reading the happiness project. loving it. it really has put me in the moment. because if you really know me you know that all i do is plan. plan for the future. i am actually trying to type this and plan what my next steps are to getting ready for bed. but i think if i would have stayed in the moment with baby rosewater and not been planning his homecoming, my time might have been different with him. don't get me wrong. i enjoyed all of it. but would i have savored it more had i been there in that moment rather than thinking about other mundane things? this also helps with my eating and weight "project". i try not to think too far ahead. like, well if i lose this much weight by this date then... i mean i have goals. but i am trying to focus on what i need to do for today. it is a big help.

love, pepper.

dear god, should i pay to learn SKS?

so i have lost 5.8 lbs since friday. i am thinking it is a lot of water weight. but weight is weight right? yay. i LOVE watching the scale go down. motivates me. i am wondering about a personal trainer. what do you think? i wonder if anyone has tried that route before. you know for accountability purposes and some simple life skills (SKS). because i learned yesterday that we all need SKS. i know a little 15 year old that needs SKS training on hygiene. seems easy enough right? not for him. i guess i can just equate it to my need for SKS regarding how NOT to eat an entire serving of cheese sticks and ranch. seems easy enough right? not for me. i am a sucker for that kind of stuff. just like my little 15 year old is a sucker for sleeping in and putting on yesterday's shirt without showering. we all need SKS somewhere in our life i guess. glad i had that lesson. so personal trainer...

love, your non-smelly gal, pepper

dear god, new chapter, new spice

sorry god, i have been seriously mia for about 2 months now. excuses are lame, but just to make myself feel better i will try and explain. i finished my 1st round of hcg and then started my biggest loser video. so i got lazy and lazy and lazy. and then my cruise was coming up. so i got lazier AND way less careful. and i gained some weight. not happy about it. but i have to confess. because that is what you are here for, god, my confessions and such. so here it is. get ready. it's not pretty. my weight is officially back to 247.4 lbs. i have gained 18.8 lbs back. i know. not good. not good at all. 10 of that was on my cruise. i have temporarily failed. HOWEVER. i'm back. in full force. spicin' it up. balls to the wall.

ok. i started my 2nd round of hcg today. this time with the drops. hopefully i will see similar results to my last round. this program is a little different. they allow some different foods and i take the hcg 3 times a day. i will definitely be posting pretty much everyday now. need to be accountable to someone. ps. i am going to try and do this without the appetite suppressants. i will let you know how that goes.

when i get past my 3rd month of picture weight, i will start posting more before and afters. but for now this is about owning up to my mistakes. and making a serious mental note about what NOT to do next time i need to maintain. i obviously need to continue counting cals and such. probably for the rest of my life. or until i get it figured out. BUT. just because i lose 32 lbs does NOT make me an expert. and that god, is what i have learned. i was getting a little too cocky about my weight loss. need to come down from that cloud.

love, not dejected just deexcusing, pepper

dear god, it is finally done

i finally finished my BL audition video. go here to see it.

dear god, my mind is blank

and you and i both know this is never true. that my mind is blank. but i have so much stuff going on right now, that i can't even remember the witty comment i was thinking about posting last night. i had stuff to tell you, god. and now i can't even think about it. but this is what is going on in the life of pepper:

1. working like a crazy person to get the BL video done. i know that it seems like a lot of work for a 1 in a million shot at getting on the show. HOWEVER, this has been therapeutic for me. i've had to stare at myself A LOT. and i am finding that a) i'm not that disgusting (or at least i am just getting used to it) b) i am not hiding behind myself anymore. i don't care who or what sees this video with all my pudge spilling out everywhere. c) i am somewhat entertaining, and d) i finally found out where little rosewater gets all his awesome expressions from. (think elle woods in legally blonde right now) ME!!

2. i am working hard(ish) on staying low carb. FYI - noodles and co does not have LOW CARB noodles. is this weird, or is it just me? anyway, i am eating a lot of protein and trying to stay away from chocolate and such. doing fairly well this week. i haven't weighed in a week. so i am a little nervous about getting on the scale.

3. going on my cruise in 11 days. i cannot wait. however, i am very ill prepared right now. haven't even started packing. i have made several lists, though. and i am really thinking everyday about my meal options so that i don't gain 119 lbs in 5 days.

4. JUST finished my last class for grad school.

5. and ordering my hcg drops today.

love, your crazy busy gal, pepper

dear god, this amusement park is making me want to vomit...

i am beginning to think i can only diet or lose weight or stay healthy if i am on some insane strict program. the more insane the better. i mean, my mind set is there. i am done. i am done being this way. but dear god, this week has been so ugly. and by ugly i mean, pizza x 3 times, chocolate x 4 times, chocolate cake, 1 ddp (tasted like heaven, but mr. rosewater said it would be ok as it was for medicinal purposes), cafe rio x 2, cream fuffs (little rosewater's name) x 1 billion, and the list could continue, but because i wrote NOTHING down this week - except for monday - then i completely failed. grr. but, i paid for it big time. wed night. up all night. terrible stomach pains, terrible dia. it was awful. i am blaming this on my womanly cycle. but seriously. 1 week of ovulating and one week of cycle means 2 weeks out of the month of damn excuses to eat like a very "large" person ( i have been asked to stop calling myself fat...) i have 3 weeks left until cruise. still about 10 lbs to lose. i am in the super big pit of a dieting roller coaster. any suggestions? because you have to be as sick of this annoying back and forth as i am.

ps - most of the food doesn't even taste that good. really. i actually caught myself REALLY enjoying green peppers and hummus the other day.

love, your head spinning gal, pepper

dear god, pepper is BACK

ok. i am pretty sure i was ovulating last week. or something womanly. because i cannot even tell you what or why i had that meltdown. but i guess that is why i am awesomely dramatic. and nothing does drama better than a complete and total meltdown... in front of your work pals. nightmare. anyway, here is the info that you have been missing:

1. i tried out for BL on saturday. i got a VIP pass which basically guaranteed me a spot to see the casting directors and i didn't have to wake up super early to get in line. so we went around 8 am and left around 9 am. really quick and very anti-climatic process. we sat in a group of 12 people half-circling a casting director. we had 7 minutes. each person told the director who we were, fatness, do we play sports? what restaurant do we like? 2 interesting things about you that is NOT on your application. i SO wish i had NOT taken this liTeral. because i blew it. i didn't even talk about anthon or why i need this weight loss. thus, no call back. but whatev. also, i must say that i have NEVER been upset about being the smallest person in a group. well, i was very upset about this fact on saturday. 235 lbs is just a little crack userish i guess. anyway, we are moving on and here we go to number...

2. the most epic BL audition tape ever. i will be posting the final product on this blog. but i just want you to know that it is going to include some very awesome lip syncing and dancing moves - pretty much as awesome as an episode of glee. mr. rosewater says "well, you will be memorable". so here goes nothing.

3. i weighed myself this morning. i gained 7 lbs. i am back to 235.2 lbs. i needed to face the music. and i have to be accountable. so there you go, god. i am out of the ruble of rock and moving forward. i have decided that MD clinic can suck it. i refuse to even think about them. i can do this without them. so i am going back to my old standby - body for life. i love this program. it just fits me. i love the diet, workouts, and very much the FREE DAY. even though i get lots of dia from my free days. however, if you really know me then you know i do not mind an occasional bought of dia. sorry.

anyway, i am feeling much better. i am cruising in exactly 27 days. i am really wanting to get to my 15%. which is 12.2 lbs. i am not sure this can happen. 3 lbs a week. its a little steep. but i need all the encouragement i can get. so that means, god, that you need to put bugs in people's ears. like those that i live with and work with and see all the time. and even those i don't know that are in the same boat i am. advice is very SOLICITED at this time.

OMWord. i have to get this video done asap. before i lose anymore weight :) and before the deadline - which is march 25. aaahhhh. just a little fun precursor for you... can you say "i don't think your ready for this jelly"

love, your bootylicious lady, pepper

dear god, mama got a VIP pass

so i guess the BL audition needs to happen. because i randomly entered a contest online - which (think of rob lowe on parks and rec) liTerally did not make any sense. so i guessed. and i WON. so now i have to audition. it seems a little meant to be. even if i don't get anything but the experience. i have to go now. i am now a VIP. a fat VIP, but whatevs.

dear god, pepper is officially MIA - just for a bit

sorry i haven't written in a while. life has turned over on top of me right now. and pepper is lying underneath all the ruble and dust and volcano rock (as little rosewater always says). so she will be back shortly. just need a little break. but just so we (pepper and whatever this is that is lying on top of her) are held accountable... weight has been gained. about 4 lbs. so the scale is back in the 230s. 234.1 to be exact. just typing this is making me sick. but the truth can be ugly. i am however, resigned and am going to try out for BL this weekend. pepper or the fat ruble that is suffocating her. not sure which. but we will let you know the outcome. i will be back soon. i keep changing between we and i, so i think i am close to crawling out of this shit. balls to the wall.

love, us

dear god, here comes month 2

here are my up-to-date pictures. i think the side view shows the most progress. sorry about the serious ghetto photoshop. i am working on something much better for future posts. 

dear god, i am back in the 20s

FINALLY. after a really long drought of weight loss, i lost 3.4 more lbs. and now i am in the 220s. i haven't seen those numbers in a VERY long time. but i am feeling a little weird about taking my month pictures. i have only lost about 10 lbs since my last photos.

advice: should i post more pics?

love, pepper.

dear god, do i really need to pay that much money?

PREFACE - long story beware...so i went to the clinic (md diet) yesterday to visit with my doctor and such. the nutritionist guy that works there - well ask me in person what i think about him - but anyway, he looks at my chart upon entering and says "how we doin?" and i said, well i am struggling a little. and he looks back at my chart and says "yeah, i can see that, what's going on?" meaning, that only 27 lbs (30 on my scale) is something to snub at. i was so irritated. i am throwing all this money at this clinic for them to say "OH MY WOW, you just lost 1/2 a pound, you are amazing, good for you." NO. apparently at md diet you have to lose at least 40-50 lbs on the hCG 40 day diet to be successful and get praise. and so i started asking him questions about what i could be doing different, to curb my chocolate cravings and he is just looking at me with this stare and starts throwing numbers at me faster than i can think. "well you need 45 g of carbs and you need 120-140 g of protein and you need to eat more in the morning" and on and on. finally one of the nice "girls" (they call them) came and talked with me. she spent like 20 minutes going over everything. and GET THIS, said for the "next two weeks you cannot eat more than 15 g of carbs a day". this is post hCG protocol. AFTER THAT, i get 45 g of carbs. so mr. nutritionist (who i really think hates women AND fat people - aka worst employment in the world for him) didn't even care to notice that 45 g of carbs would have totally ruined my 30 lbs. he just didn't even ask or look at my chart to see what phase i was on. what the hell? anyway, so i am sitting there for an hour. YES, you read right. ONE freaking hour to talk to the doctor for one second. and so i sat there and i thought. this is ridiculous. the nice "girl" that helped me out was so sweet, but in the middle of her ass kicking shpill she says,
"you realize you are going to just have to spend A LOT of money on this diet". so i was just waiting thinking all this through, rude guy who really doesn't care just sees $$$$ + someone who readily admits that i am going to be throwing money at them to lose weight + a one hour wait to get appetite suppressants + $140 bill = i am the dumbest fat person out there.

so after that rant. thanks for listening, god. i have decided. with much conversation with mr. rosewater. that i can do this on my own. i don't need to just hand "ridiculous" amounts of money at this clinic or anyone else to count carbs and protein. so i think i am done with md diet. NO, that does not mean i am giving up. i am continuing on my ever needed journey. just not the spendy one. however, that isn't to say that if i can get my hands on some more hCG, i will be more than happy to spend that money for another 40 days. i know this all sounds like a big round the loop cluster of confusion and rambling. and really, if that clinic was amazing, i would totally spend the money. because it would be worth it. so if you know of a place that treats their clients with respect and really helps them, let me know. i guess i am saying, in the meantime, i can't go back there. because i will just get pissed. and like papa says, then i will have no one to blame (or to complain about) but myself.

so i guess it isn't about the money really. but about the treatment of the fat person. why pay that much money for someone not to even look, ask, or care what phase i am on or why i am struggling. and like mr. rosewater says, just take a look at their wonderful advertising gimmick. an anorexic climbing out of a fat suit.

and please don't get me wrong. i chose md diet. and i knew it was going to be expensive. i guess i just thought it would be more counselorish and therapeutic rather than pushing the cattle through. so there. i am not blaming them. they do their business and do it well. but i just won't be a patron anymore.

love, your saving money gal (for now), pepper

dear god, i just had an epiphany

so i was posting in my personal blog and had an epiphany. and below is the post so you can understand my epiphany. but i think i am starting to figure it out. and i will let you know what "it" is when i get there, or even while i am on my way. but a few days ago, i was lost in how to make a full change and to love myself. but, i think i can do this, and there might be a possibility for an affirmation every morning to remember this epiphany. but anyway, here it is:

i don't get my picture taken very much, mostly because i am behind the camera, but also because i hate getting my picture taken for one reason - i am sure you can guess what that might be :) anyway, these pics are both from little rosewater's birthday parties. how i have changed is below

one year ago, i was probably about 20 lbs heavier (i only know because the saweet velor "jumpsuit" i have on in this picture is pretty snug. now it is pretty drapey). one year ago, i had no idea what kind of year i was going to have - which most people don't know, unless they are insanely awesome. one year ago, i ate anything and everything i wanted to at little rosewater's birthday dinner. one year ago, i was a LONG way from graduating.

now, i am healthier than i have been in at least 10 years. now, i will always be cautious about life and love everyone i can as much as i can everyday. now, i had an orange and tea at little rosewater's birthday dinner - while everyone else had pizza and cake. now, i have 6 weeks until i am done with graduate school.

2010 rocked my world in a really really bad way. but like i have told many people, 2011 is balls to the wall in every aspect of my life. and i am living it as much as i can.

and in memory of my angel. i just want to put out there, for the 4 of you reading. that life can change within one second. and i know you hear that all the time. and it never resignates with you, unless it happens. i look back on 2010 and did not accomplish a lot and i lost even more. and i look at that person in the picture one year ago and i feel sad for her. because she has no idea. and if she had an idea, maybe she would have changed things and had an amazing year. so, that is why i am balls to the wall. for the rest of my life. and now i just realized that i need to do a few things to be in full compliance of my new motto.

ps. don't take this as a downer. just take it as a reason to get up everyday. and love who you love with all you have.

dear god, is it bad that i think self affirmations are weird?

well god, the people that answered my very needed request were so wonderful. so thank you for them and their support. i loved everything everyone said and although i still feel emotionally drained, i am back on the wagon - due to my rockin friends and family. i have all the comments printed and put up in my exercise sanctuary to remind me that i need to keep going everyday.

...back on the wagon, but struggling with this maintenance phase. and by struggling, i mean, it is hard to eat more than i have been. because i pretty much just keep eating the same things as on the hCG, but more of it. my head is in a bad place, so i think i am just like whatever, i'll just drink tea. HOWEVER, i am super excited to start working out. i only exercised one time this week, but it was wonderful. and mr. rosewater said "that was weird" when i told him i was going to be exercising for the next hour. apparently it is pretty rare that i make this statement :)

i still REALLY want chocolate. which is another rare thing for me. usually i want fries or pizza. but i can't stop thinking about chocolate.

i haven't weighed in few days. should i continue to weigh everyday? i am afraid if the scale continues to go up and down i will get frustrated. my clothes are still getting looser (more loose?) . so that makes me happy. and i have a general sense of happiness about myself - most of the time.

i went to old navy the other day with little rosewater. i know, i am obsessed with old navy. but, i haven't been able to try stuff on in the store in a LONG time. so i put a bunch of stuff in the basket and went to town. no i did not buy anything. i just wanted to see how things fit. i can't believe i can wear an XL in most things, on top at least.

so god, my question today is, how do i learn to love myself? lots of people say that is what i need to do. and i think i like myself for the most part. but, i can't like read self affirmations everyday. i just think of stuart smalley and then i can't be serious. i guess i could read a self help book. and literally, if someone asked me what they should do to love themselves. i wouldn't' even know where to begin. which obviously means i have no idea and that it (loving myself) isn't something i am good at. which is a problem, because i am kind of in the work field of helping others love themselves. so i should be into that as well, right?

love, to weigh or not to weigh, pepper.

dear god, i am just going to say it...

i miss my baby. SO bad today. of course i miss him everyday. but today has been especially hard. and that isn't what this conversation is really about. but i think i have my little angel on my mind because i am struggling right now. and he is the reason i started this insane journey in the first place. and of course i will always have him to thank for saving my life, and my sanity. because seriously, god, for YEARS and years and years weight and food and everything in between has been such an obsession. and i have always thought, i am never going to be normal. i am always going to have this stupid "issue" with food and myself. and everyday i have hated myself more and more. but then my baby died. and whether it was for me or not, my life changed in two totally different ways that day. and so really long story short, i guess i feel guilty that i am struggling with this losing weight thing. because there may have been a sacrifice in place to get me to this point. the point of feeling FREE. i have such a dichotomy of emotions because i feel born again, in this new body i am creating. but i had to lose someone so innocent and precious to feel this way. it's crazy. and so, i miss him today.

i am at a stand still. between 28 and 30 lbs. because i keep cheating. its totally ridiculous. i know. i am having a visitor right now, and so i just can't get over my cravings. and i am giving in. but also, i had a come to jesus talk with mr. rosewater the other day about my spending. you see, i have traded my food intake for shopping. and now we have low fundage. because i am trying to keep busy with spendy projects so i don't think about why i should be sad. so now that i have stopped the spending, my food devil is back on my shoulder.

i sound like such a baby right now. i am making myself sick, just like my buddy x with her country music the other day (love you). so...

what i really need is a pick me up. i need someone to tell me something that will get my fire moving again. someone who can just say it how it is. like i always do to them. seriously, god, not enough people do that in this world. and that is why people think i am wild and crazy. because i just blurt out what i am thinking. and i need that from someone right now. any takers?

love, how do you tell people you have 2 children without making it awkward, pepper.

dear god, what a crazy day

so i have to get this out of the way. omw (oh my word, its new). the nba has been severely devastated today. god, jerry sloan has resigned. and i cried. a lot. perhaps some of it has to do with the fact that my monthly friend is around or the fact that i haven't cried a lot since baby rosewater died. but. nevertheless i am sad. and wondering if i am so crazy to be this sad over someone i don't know. and i only feel crazy because of my "buddies" at work making fun of me today during my turmoil. i know, i am super dramatic. in every way. and for some reason people laugh at that. but i am glad i can be of some entertainment.

in weight news. i have some updates about what is going to happen on the diet after my first round of hcg is done. so here is the deal.
1. i have 4 more days of hcg shots left.
2. then i continue with the 500 cal diet for 3 more days after that.
3. then i go onto the hcg post phase for three weeks, which consists of the following:
     *the basic detox phase i first started with.
     *extra protein like protein powder shakes and such
     *two eggs anyway i want
     *some other fruit like strawberries and grapefruit
     *and some exercise!!! YES. sweat will be flying. i can't wait.
4. after the three weeks i will start on the MD DIET, which is going to incorporate dairy and small portions of wheat products. and i think i can eat 1000 cals.
5. THEN my delicious and ever so coveted cruise will happen for 1 week of pure bliss.
6. back to detox, and another round of hcg.

i plan on doing the hcg rounds two more times. i am way motivated and know i can do this. i have an amazing support system, plus you, god. AND i am also branching out to other weight loss bloggers for inspiration and ideas. some of the ladies i have been reading about are amazing. motivation and inspiration is all over the blogging world.

ps. god, give thanks to my sweet cousin (lexton's mom) for cheering me up with her jokes via voicemail AND on this blog.

and also, god, my pal x needs a little pat on her back for remembering my love of the utah jazz and knowing how upset i would be about today's tragedy. great friends are all around me. thanks god.

love, your dramatic princess, pepper

dear god, i am getting a little nervous

so i must admit, among all my happy celebration in losing weight, the naughty girl is coming out in me. and she is saying: "what if you don't lose enough weight by the time you go on your cruise?" or "your legs are still way too fat for shorts." or "just eat those m & ms, who cares." i am fighting her BIG time this week. i think i let my guard down way too low on sunday and having a hard time building back my appropriate boundaries. i mean, i am doing great. still losing - although losing what i ALREADY lost last week. eating good. no pressures there. i think i am feeling a little too frisky right now. and i am scared the weekend is going to KILL me.

i cannot wait to start exercising. it will be nice to get rid of some of these nasty endorphins that are helping me feel all anxious and itchy. i HATE being itchy. this all might tie into the stress of my normal life. work, school, internship, projects, family, parties. i am purposefully staying busy as to not think too much. but i think i am going a little crazy.

i have decided during this most random post that i need to laugh more. it feels so good to laugh. and it is really depressing me right now that i can actually remember the last few times i have laughed really hard. like pee pee laugh. my work pal (e nice), introduced me to a funny lady via youtube today. i can't think of her name right now, but she makes fun of people's song lyrics. which is pretty witty commentary. god, give e nice a pat on her head for being a good friend today (and always) and making me laugh. i also have a really great picture that i am looking at right now of one of my besties (barbarella) with little rosewater. barbs had some drinks on an outing with us one day and got to taking pics with little rosewater in the backseat of the car. they are laughing together hysterically. however little is slightly suspicious of barbs. best. picture. ever. god, thank barbs AND little rosewater tonight too.

love, in need of some laughs, pepper

dear god, the super bowl isn't so super

ugh. although i had THE best time last night for our super bowl party. i am totally regretting my food choices this morning. 3.8 lbs i gained. AHHH. definitely NOT worth it. i even said that as i was gorging my face. mr. rosewater did do an amazing job on the food, but i should have just stuck with my 500 little cals. AND, who has a "cookie table" at their party when they are trying to lose weight? yep, i do. because i am insane. i could blame that one on pittsburgh because apparently they have a cookie table at large events, such as weddings (the super bowl is a large even like a wedding right?). i thought that it would put a nice touch on my themed food party of everything wisconsin/pennsylvania. oh it was a nice touch alright, a nice 3.8 lb touch. boo to the cookie table.

and the thing is, is this. i have enough self control. i know this, because i am in my head and i am overly motivated to lose weight. but i said, forget this, i am going to eat whatever i want at the super bowl party and take the consequences. so, i knew this was coming. and i accepted it before the fact. but now looking back it was so dumb. i could have woken this morning down another lb and thought, amazing party with fab friends. AND i stuck to my plan. so god, i have cried and whined about it. and i am moving on. did i learn something? yes, yes i did. i learned that food themed parties are amazing and fun. but they are also a ton of work AND fattening. and i have to remember this moment of disgust (yes, disgust) that i indulged and NOT do it again. i can have the out of sight themed food party, but i have to set limits.

ok. on to my day. thank you god, for listening and not being too tough. and thank you super bowl buddies. that really was a fun time. i loved every minute of it. please remember that we did discuss an academy award night (with only popcorn). so save that date. by the way...who won the super bowl anyway? :)

love, your 500 calorie eating friend, pepper

dear god, i hit my 10% goal today

yes, it is true. another goal achieved. yay for me. i have lost 26.4 lbs and i feel great. as a reward i bought some items from old navy, ignoring my mother's heed to NOT buy any clothes at this time. well, i purchased 11 items (clearance, people) and i am only keeping 1 cardigan. and this is because everything else was, wait for it, TOO BIG!!! i have to buy a smaller size in the normal oldnavy.com section. what? i know crazy. i was a little disappointed because i was SO excited for my cheap purchases, but really it was more exciting to know that i have to take them back and get something smaller. oh, and let us not forget that when you purchase from oldnavyfatties.com you must send back via mail. now that i am in the regular women's clothing, i can go to the store and exchange there. much less hassle.

love, your xl wearing gal, pepper.

dear god, are you ready for this?

here are my one month pictures.
BEFORE 12/29/10. AFTER 1/30/11.

BEFORE front

AFTER-front

BEFORE-side

AFTER-side

BEFORE-back

AFTER-back

dear god, i am finally in the 30s!!

sorry god, i have been MIA for a week. busy, busy me. i haven't even been able to take my 1 month pictures yet. those will be posted soon.

anyway, i haven't seen the scale at 230-whatever in a LONG time. this is exciting for me. my pants are starting to get baggy, and yes people are noticing. god, can you give a BIG shout out to my work buddies for making me feel great everyday? thanks.

last weekend was difficult. but i pushed through. the weekdays are a cinch and i often feel like i can do this forever. but i will be honest. i am counting down the days until i can eat feta cheese and a big FAT ribeye. which is in exactly 19 days. this will start my 3 week maintenance phase. or phase 3. this is where i absolutely eat no starch, no sugar. pretty much the same as right now. HOWEVER, i get to eat whatever else i want and as much as i want. saweet. maybe just 100 more calories a day would be fun. i shouldn't go overboard. but it says online that you should be eating between 1500-2000 cals a day on phase 3. i am not sure how the MD diet clinic feels about this though. when i get the information from the clinic i will give you better details about what i will be doing.

also. i am 2.4 lbs away from my 10%. as for a reward, this is the deal. i really want eyelash extensions, but i am thinking this would be a fabulous pressie for myself right before my cruise. perhaps that will be my 15% reward. i think about rewards a lot. but i should, right? i am working very hard. i did purchase some new items via oldnavy.com. i know nana AND mr. rosewater are rolling their eyes right now, but i am sorry. cardigans at nearly 75% off the original price screams to me in a very piercing tone that i cannot ignore. so i am pretty sure this will arrive right around my 10% goal day. this will most definitely be a saweet reward. i FINALLY can wear from real oldnavy.com and not oldnavyfatties.com anymore. fabulous.

mr. rosewater has told me that since we have been together, 7.5 ish years, that i have NEVER lost 20 lbs and i have NEVER stayed on a weight loss plan for more than a month. well here's to you mr. rosewater. because both of those things JUST happened. raise the roof.

ALSO... i have been away for a week. lots to discuss... i am going to try out for the biggest loser in march. my same name bff (i will call her peper 1) has auditioned a few times with her hubs. but he is not wanting to try out this time, so i am taking his place. we have A LOT in common, peper 1 and i, we really do. when we first met we exchanged blog addresses and what do you know, but we had the EXACT same blog background. we have the same name (mine is spelled better, but whatever). we both have the same license for work. we both are getting a graduate degree in the same thing - that's where we met. she is fabulous and amazing. and i love her. so we are trying out together. perhaps you will see us on national tv.

wow, that is all for now. mr. rosewater and i are entertaining A LOT in the next few weeks. so wish me luck, god. here is to staying on my plan through all the yummy food and drinks.

love, your cardigan wearing lady, pepper

dear god, i have lost the big 20!!

i haven't been feeling well the last few days. in fact it really hurts to swallow anything right now. so i haven't totally been following hCG protocol (as in i had a grissinni breadstick in the morning instead of at lunch, didn't really eat lunch but doubled up on my meat for dinner). but i thought for sure i ate more than i should have yesterday. i guess not. another 1.4 lbs down. i only have 6 more lbs to go for my next reward. i have been thinking about getting some eyelash extensions. but not sure. one of my best work pals got me some saweet fake eyelashes to try out. they were pretty sexy. too bad i am technically challenged and don't know how to get my pictures from my phone to the computer. anyway, here are some other hot pics (not me of course) with eyelash extensions. what do you think?

dear god, my boss is the boss of my blog now too...

so i have this boss. she is quite the gal. and she said that she would support me better if i changed my blog up a little. so i am adding my "up to date weight" right where she said i should put it. between my stats and my goals. i'm telling you that because i am so honest and constantly telling people what i think whether it is solicited or not, i get the same in return. sometimes. not enough times though. but my boss is one of those returners. so anyway. in case you were wondering, god. my current weight is now hanging out in the side bar.

in other news. today has been pretty crabby. all around. not feeling well. work stress already. nana and papa went back home. diet sucks. can't find a freaking vegetable that i like. etc. i did make some pretty saweet celery last night that had the whole crew oohing and aahing. i wonder if there is something i can do to broccoli to make it taste good. well, i am still losing so i am happy about that. one more week and i will post pictures of my before and after.

love, loved to be "bossed" around, pepper.

dear god, my old jeans DO fit.

so nana helped me closet purge today. i forgot that i own like a bazillion pair of jeans. and i tried on some that i haven't even bothered to try on in years and they fit like a glove. loving it. loving the weight loss. i am feeling great. we separated my closet into clothes i can wear right now and clothes i will be able to wear in the future. it was crazy trying on shirts that i wore right before i got pregnant with baby rosewater (not to be confused with little rosewater). they are loose!!! the closet purge was awesome. i can't believe how much of a difference 15.5 lbs makes.

and then. after the purge, i finally got to try out just dance 2. can i get an AWESOME? cuz it is. and little rosewater joined in with me. a little pre birthday party dance off. it was fun. i got my beyonce on, my austin powers on, my tiki torch dance on, my WHAM! on. you name it. i was dancing to it. what a great workout. and my heart rate (that i measured with a $3 wall clock and my neck pulse) was between 135 and 160. so rock on. burning fat. saweet.

last night mr. rosewater took me on a fabulous date. surprise! for our 6th anniversary. we went and did some of our favorite things: basketball game, sushi, hotel. what a wonderful guy i am married to. ok, you wonder about the sushi. well i did have a few things NOT on the hCG. so i didn't weigh this morning. but i was proud. i had 1 roll of sushi vs. my usual 3 rolls of sushi. and water. NO coke. so raise the sushi roof on that. hopefully i won't suffer too much of a setback. but it was worth it. such a great time with my hunk of a husband.

here is to NO cake and pizza at little's party tonight.

love, my new jeans are really my old jeans, pepper.

dear god, thank you for stevia

so i have to thank you for bringing my attention to stevia - you know the artificial sweetener with virtually no calories. anyway, it has caused a little overload of my bowels moving, but never the less, they are moving. i bought it at the great food store (can't think of the real name right now). it comes in different forms, but i bought the extract drop kind. one little drop is enough sweetener to go around. it actually doesn't taste that good, but now i know what will help me with my BMs. i wonder what the smooth move tea and stevia would do. that might get a little too crazy.

in weight news, i have lost 15.6 lbs as of today. the diet is getting much easier. it is also getting easier to curb my cravings and appetite. i had to get over that insane hump that i never thought i would get past. i'll have to tell my mom this needs a little more than three days to get used to.

speaking of my mom... nana and papa are here right now. for little rosewater's birthday. i am trying to get myself geared up. no pizza. no cake. NO DIET DR PEPPER. but with a lot of my support system being at the party, i am pretty sure i wouldn't think of cheating.

love, stevia's new best friend, pepper.

dear god, can i get a what, what?

YES!!! thank you, dear god. i finally lost weight today. 2 more lbs. so i am officially at 14 lbs lost. now i can get that just dance 2. raise the roof.

dear god, who buys heart rate monitors for $200?

so the clinic tells me to watch my heart rate when i exercise. that way i can tell if i am burning fat. so i thought, perhaps i will look into heart rate monitors. they can't be that expensive. oh, but they are. at least the ever so popular polar fitness monitors are. apparently people who are freaks for exercise use them. they look super cool, but i think i will stick to the old school neck pulse reading way. MUCH cheaper. 

on another note. i am at a stand still. haven't lost anything for 2 days god. what's up? i have been getting lots of advice from my support system and i am feeling strong not to give up. but if i have to go on an apple binge for a day, i might die. still haven't hit my 5%. still haven't received just dance 2. waiting. starving. waiting.

i have noticed though, and feel really dumb telling you this, that my necklace keeps getting longer. i received this precious necklace from my SIL alisha that has anthon's initials on it. so i wear it everyday. well, embarrassingly enough, i had to originally get a necklace extender because my neck was too large (i don't like using the "f" word, as in "f"at) for it. every few days i have to keep adjusting the size because it keeps loosening up. so to answer my nutritionist who asked me today if i could feel anything different. yes, yes i can. my necklace is getting longer.

oh and ps. god, thank you so much for the most amazing water bottle find in the world. its made by thermos. retail $11-$15. i love it so much. i can drink water like nobody's business from it. instead of the ever so coveted camelback, this bad boy doesn't have a rubber sippy thing connected to a straw, where you have to bite and drink. so you can get much more water flow from the opening in the top. and the push button cover with lock makes it virtually spill proof, and fun for 3 year olds to play with. oh and i can't forget to note the counter at the bottom of the screw on lid. this allows you to NOT have to keep track of how many bottles of water you have had in a day in your head. it comes in handy for the every so slightly 500 calorie diet absentmindedness. LOVE it.

dear god, i cheated

its been 12 days since my last BIG cheat. here come the excuses. i couldn't take it anymore. i was so starving i almost ate a page from the book i was reading. mr. rosewater and a buddy ordered and ate pizza/cheese sticks dipped in ranch right in front of me. its ok. mr. rosewater has to eat too. but i wanted to die. and i did not partake. until everyone went to bed. i have to tell you god, it was glorious. the taste of the cheese stick(s) and ranch. they try to tell us that those things will no longer taste good after a while. that we are addicted to the grease infused in the food. but they are LIARS. that is the best thing i have eaten in 12 days. oh and don't worry i had a handful(s) of some dark chocolate m&ms as well. those are also supposed to taste terrible, according to the skinny nutritionist. well they didn't, they were also glorious. but i payed for it this morning, or not, because i did ask the other day for help with a BM. and i didn't gain. but didn't lose much either. however, i feel better. i have confessed, and i am back to feeling like i can move on and do this thing. for 34 more days. 

i am ALMOST at my 5% goal. 12. 6 lbs this morning. mr. rosewater and i have discussed rewards. and i have decided to get just dance 2. because i started working out in my new gym sanctuary. and it is fabulous. so now i need to get my groove on. 

love, your newly confessed, pepper

dear god, this is so not cool

i should be happy about losing 11 lbs so far. and i am. which has been great motivation. but i seriously drank 3 liters of water yesterday and my scale stayed the same. then i proceeded to weigh at least 7 more times all with different numbers. so i took the smallest. of course. but i am not losing 1 lb a day. which i totally should. because i am freaking starving and drinking gallons of water. should i be frustrated? i do have a small secret though. i haven't had a BM in a while. sorry i know that is gross god, but i really need to get my bowels moving. perhaps that is the reason for my scale woes. hopefully tomorrow will show better results. here is to the weekend and staying strong. i definitely need your help on this one. thanks in advance.

love your weekend warrior, pepper.

dear god, i actually craved broccoli today

its true. today is day 2 of my hCG 500 cal diet. today has been hard. today i wanted broccoli (that is after i had all my food for the day). i hate vegetables, especially broccoli, but i'm a little hungry. i just think about this rule that my mom always told me. the third day is always the worst, then it starts getting better from there. i think this rule can be used in many aspects of life. so i expect tomorrow to be hell. but i am totally doing this. 10.5 lbs down. no cheating. i really think the wake-up call has happened. after many years of struggling, hating, dieting, vomiting (sorry, but true), clawing my way to a normal weight. i HATE that my rock bottom was due to me losing my baby (i might mention that a lot), but in any case, it has happened. and i am determined. and i actually might eat broccoli tomorrow. eh.

like this

                                          NOT like this

dear god, i need help

as of today, i have lost 9 lbs. i am creeping up on my 5% goal which will be 13 lbs. any suggestions for a reward? or is the weight loss reward enough? (per my sweet mr. rosewater).

dear god, i have no appetite

sorry it has been a while. i really want to post more often then i have been. however, i have been getting ready to get back to work and the real world, thus no time for blogging. ok, so i went to the DR at the clinic. I also spoke with the nutritionist and got a vitamin shot, B12 and some other B i can't remember right now. so, this is what i learned about myself. i received a 3 page lengthy report that was generated from the machine they hooked me up to the first time i was there. these are my stats from this OVERWHELMING information:

*i have 146 lbs of lean body mass (= muscle, the good kind). that is 56% of my weight.
*my muscle to fat ratio is 1.3 to 3. it needs to be 3.2 to 1.
*i am carrying around 44 litres of water in my body. that needs to be 25 liters. so essentially i am carrying around 41 lbs of water weight due to soda intake, sodium, and improper water intake.
*i have 115 lbs of fat on my body. that is 44%. AHHH. almost 1/2 of my body is fat. that is insanity. and gross. ok that percentage needs to be down to 18-26%.

so at this point the clinic has my goal weight set at 183 lbs which right now would be 20% body fat. however, the more i lose, the numbers will change and my goal weight will go down. they will hook me up to the machine 1 time per month to make sure i am losing the proper amount of weight (like not to much muscle, etc). the good thing is that the nutritionist said that with carrying around 41 lbs of water, i should lose that pretty quick on the hCG. the clinic does not go by BMI statistics, which i also feel are a little bogus, but that is what the baby DR is requesting, thus my 137 lb goal.

i was also instructed to walk 3 times a week for 30 minutes. BUT, not on the hCG. they don't recommend exercise because you are only intaking 500 cals. however, i am really going to try and move more if i have the energy.

here comes the big freak out part, i spoke with the DR and received some prescriptions for appetite suppressants and help with insulin. mr. rosewater (the hubs) is very concerned with the appetite suppressants, but so far they have been fine. i am taking a time release one in the morning that does wonders - and does not make me feel like i just drank 27 red bulls. and then i take another one to curb night cravings at 5 pm. i take the insulin pill 2 times a day.

during this detox part i am supposed to eat as much as i can, but the medicine is making me anti social toward food. i am forcing myself to eat though. that is one thing i learned at the nutritional meeting the first time. if you skip breakfast and lunch then eat a huge dinner you turn into a sumo wrestler. cuz that's how they do it. so don't be a sumo. eat breakfast.

ok, i will sign off now. as this might be boring to some of you. but, one last thing. i start the hCG diet on tuesday, with injections. wish me luck.

ps - votes for before and after photos every month?