i miss my baby. SO bad today. of course i miss him everyday. but today has been especially hard. and that isn't what this conversation is really about. but i think i have my little angel on my mind because i am struggling right now. and he is the reason i started this insane journey in the first place. and of course i will always have him to thank for saving my life, and my sanity. because seriously, god, for YEARS and years and years weight and food and everything in between has been such an obsession. and i have always thought, i am never going to be normal. i am always going to have this stupid "issue" with food and myself. and everyday i have hated myself more and more. but then my baby died. and whether it was for me or not, my life changed in two totally different ways that day. and so really long story short, i guess i feel guilty that i am struggling with this losing weight thing. because there may have been a sacrifice in place to get me to this point. the point of feeling FREE. i have such a dichotomy of emotions because i feel born again, in this new body i am creating. but i had to lose someone so innocent and precious to feel this way. it's crazy. and so, i miss him today.
i am at a stand still. between 28 and 30 lbs. because i keep cheating. its totally ridiculous. i know. i am having a visitor right now, and so i just can't get over my cravings. and i am giving in. but also, i had a come to jesus talk with mr. rosewater the other day about my spending. you see, i have traded my food intake for shopping. and now we have low fundage. because i am trying to keep busy with spendy projects so i don't think about why i should be sad. so now that i have stopped the spending, my food devil is back on my shoulder.
i sound like such a baby right now. i am making myself sick, just like my buddy x with her country music the other day (love you). so...
what i really need is a pick me up. i need someone to tell me something that will get my fire moving again. someone who can just say it how it is. like i always do to them. seriously, god, not enough people do that in this world. and that is why people think i am wild and crazy. because i just blurt out what i am thinking. and i need that from someone right now. any takers?
love, how do you tell people you have 2 children without making it awkward, pepper.
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7 comments:
I'll tell it like it is...you are amazing!! You can do this! Look at all you have already done! Do not let your little one's life be in vain. If his short time was to send you a wake up call, then answer it!! Answer it with will power, with hope and with the certainty that you and your family's lives are worth it! Don't fill your void with food or with shopping or with other vices. Fill it with hope, with love, with accomplishments and relationships. What does it hurt to have too many friends? What does it hurt to have lost 10 more? What does it hurt to love and care a little more? NOTHING! None of those hit your bank account or your waist line. You are loved! You are worth it and you can do this!!!(hows that??)
Thank-you Lish I agree,you tell people you have two children and be proud of that your a good Mother end of story. Keep looking forward not back and yes life can be cruel but we need guts and courage to forge on and you have both so go on do it see how the end results feel really good I know from past experiences, yes my journey may have been for different reasons than yours but same results SWEET........You have what it takes guts and I respect you so very much for the bright person you are.
I don't know much about your life except that you are on one of the biggest journeys you will be on. I am sorry for your loss and I know this can be bittersweet. Like the other poster said..don't let his/her life be in vain.
But this time is for YOU. That was hard for me to come to grips with. I still can't. I have 5 children, one with special needs, and my life has always been them and my husband. Which is fine but I lost ME in that whirlwind.
I feel guilty making my "healthy" meals, going to work out..when I do :). I have been making slip ups lately too. Old habits die hard.
Pick your butt back up and keep moving forward. Do not look back. It sounds like you are surrounded by family and friends that care about you. Take advantage of that. Use their support, the encouragement. Find it in yourself to love yourself enough to want to do this for YOU.
Sorry, should've said something yesterday with the cheating. I'll do it in the future, although hopefully that won't be too much of an issue...
Perhaps the exercising can also fill that need to stay busy and focused, now that your back to the detox part?
You are looking good and I'm way proud of your progress. It'll come.
Grief is a very tangible thing. Its a very personal thing. We learn about it very clinically, lable the stages, map it out, etc. But it doesn't quite work that way. Grief and healing are messy and sporatic and chaotic. I don't know that it ever goes away. It becomes a part of our inner self and we have to decide what to do with it eventually, but thats still a ways off. In watching you I am constantly impressed with your efforts.
I totally agree with Em, but I'm going to say something else. GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR AND NO MORE CHEATING! I will beat you up if you cheat any more (and you can't hit me back either). You can do this Ali. Look how far you've come! (I'm totally jealous) And look how much inspiration you have given me for when I can make the changes myself!! AND You're not in the oldnavyfatties.com area anymore!! You're doing AMAZING!
Al- you can do this, and you will. You will jave ups and downs and in betweens. You will have friends and family support you, and love you. You will have some friends who sugar coat it, and some who will try tough love. While all intentions are pure and good willed, it won't make a difference until you are brutally honest with yourself. You can treat a symptom, but until you treat the cause, the syptom will reappear. The only one who can get to the cause is you. My advice to get to the root:
1. Take the time to develop a good, loving, honest relationship with yourself.
2. Allow your friends and family to love and support you with out expectations, or excuses.
3. Reflect daily on your reasoning behind your choices; good or bad. Journal or blog what worked or didn't. A day is just a string of small choices.
4. Forgive yourself. This goes back to being friends with yourself. Would you be this hard on a friend?
I know you can, and will beat this, treat the cause, not just the symptoms.
I feel a little at a loss of what to say, since the previous comments have said such great things.
Please know that you are fabulous and are doing so well. I know that it's easy to beat yourself up about things, and maybe thinking that somehow you're doing Anthon's memory a disservice because you've had a cheat or two. I hope that you're not thinking anything like this, but in case you are, please know that it's not how it is.
You have already made great progress and have shown that you are committed to your goal. Sorry, this isn't what you were looking for, right? You want someone to kick you in the tush.
Ok, how about this- for each cheat you have per week, you are hereby sentenced to listen to one horrendous country song of my choice. You know that means 10 rounds of "I hope you dance" if you cheat 10 times. Beware.
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