dear god, i'm moving on - please follow me... i will need your help

hello. it has been a while. i have had a rough go of life lately. lots of ups and downs. but as you well know, god, you sent me my dear same name friend, and we are going to try this journey of weight loss together. so i am not leaving the fat loss blogging world. just gaining some support and help of someone that is going through the exact same thing as me. so, come join me at my new site. i am sure you already have. thanks for all your help so far. click here to rejoin me in my quest to get that skinny girl out - for good.

love, your still fighting girl, allison

dear god, i'm a little gassy

yes. i said it. these digestive enzymes, fiber, and whatever else i am taking are making me have A LOT of gas. so  just for your information and those around me. this is a preface. sorry.

anyway, i went to insanity yesterday. she told me to quit smoking. gah. i know. but at this point in my life i am attempting to not have any vices. really. so smoking is now my vice. but the funny thing about smoking right now is that i know it's bad for my body and i know that it can kill me. ironically though, i don't care. so i smoke. too much. however, mr. rosewater is in the process of quitting right now. after he is through with that,  i will start my non-smoking journey.

i went to zumba 2 times last week. it would have been 3, but i missed the damn (sorry god, but it really is that bad) exit.

so i walked around some stores instead. not has heavy as zumba, but at least i was trying to be active. anyway. one time i went to zumba at night. instead of my usual day time/morning routine. oh dear god. you invented something awful. and that is zumba at night. i seriously thought i was going to die - insert quit smoking - but seriously. i was already so worn out from the day and coming off all of my regular medication. i could barely make it home. i don't even remember passing the krishna temple. and that's bad. hence, i couldn't make it to my regular zumba the next day. for now i am sticking to sun up zumba.

my food is going ok. god, you have to tell everyone about THIS WEBSITE all i can say is that everyone needs to be on this site. it is better than any other resource site i have tried. and of course it is free. it is better than ww online, my fitness pal, whatever. i love it. it shows you graphs of intake of fat, carbs, protein, ect. everyday is a new learning experience about what i am putting into my body. please pray that others will see the light and join this.

i only lost .4 lbs this week. but oddly enough i don't care. i am really focusing on my mind right now. looking into some chakra balancing and such. so the food thing is coming naturally. plus i am not that hungry. enjoying my working out and i know it will come off eventually. 

mr. rosewater started school again today. and that is sad for me. so i am going to visit my cousin. we will call her (sing 4th) so we can veg. her daughter (baby i once held) moved across country today. so we are both sad. and need some will and grace to cheer us up. little rosewater went back to his beloved sitter today too. so things are starting to get back into routine. however, my routine will not be the same. for instance i am up after the rosewater boys left. where as i used to go back to sleep.

ok, that is it for now. hope to talk to you soon, god. getting real close to that thing they are all talking about. spirituality and such.

love, your gassy girl, pepper

dear god, i gained - what?

so my nutritionist - we will call her insanity. and this is out of pure love. because she knows so much INSANELY information. (bad sentence structure, whatev) she is sweet, understanding, caring, teeny tiny, package of information. she knows everything. its INSANE. thus why i like to call her insanity. i really do love her. and lets be honest, god, we all know who is insane here (insert laugh, come on people that was funny). anyway, so i saw insanity yesterday. and what? i gained!!! i have been tracking, and yes, god, i did exercise. once. but it counts. so insanity was totally cool about it. your body chemistry is trying to figure things out with your new medication, you just exercised (before weigh in), this and that. SO sweet. does NOT want me to give up. so i left there thinking, whatev body. you can gain weight. i don't care. i'm loving this new insanity meeting every week. exercising. learning to find peace within myself. i'm fine. no melt down. just kept on moving along. it was AHmazing. i felt so good leaving insanity's house. she is the link. she is it. god, thank you to my wonderful mother who found insanity for me. i will be forever grateful to her for this. also, god. thanks for making me go to zumba by myself. because if i kept waiting for a friend's schedule to open, it would have never happened. and yes. i am the only white chick latin dancing it up. but i love it so much. i wanted to go twice yesterday.

love, your insanity loving, exercising maniac, pepper

ps. to the boss. i think that is what i call you. coconut milk is AHmazing. try it. it only has 90 cals in a cup. and insanity told me to drink it. so i am pretty sure it is better for you then regular milk. because she is all knowing. and itsy bitsy.

dear god, i zumba at LATIN ENERGY STUDIO

this is my favorite new place to get my workout on. just putting it out there that i love zumba and i love latin energy studio. check out their blog and their facebook page AND come zumba with me.

love your zumba sista, pepper

dear god, i'm back

it's been a few months, i know. not that i want to get into details, but i have had a bit of a problem lately, and am now trying to face this journey again. the healthy way. so first things first. i have gained all the hCG weight back, and more. i am going to a nutritionist and according to her scale - which i will go by for structure sake - i weigh the most i have in my entire life. i am dealing with this. i am not yet to the point of being ok with this. but i am working on it. so here is what is going on:

1. i meet with my nutritionist one on one every week for 15. the first time was much longer. anyway, this woman knows everything. it is insane and overwhelming. i gave her my most recent blood level sheet from my doctor and she went through it with a fine tooth comb. she knew how to read everything, what levels were good/bad, what could be causing weight gain or not loss, ect. it was amazing. she is incredible. just this little spit fire of nutrition. everything that comes out of her mouth is something new and exciting i can try. she is actually (hopefully soon) putting together a cook book for the holidays. she is out of this world. there is no disappointment in her face or voice or anything if you step on the scale and the number goes up. as i did last week and my number went up .3 lbs. which was good considering i was in the hospital for a week (another story).

2. she has a nutritional plan for me. i can eat 1600 cals a day. she wants me to write everything down. i use thedailyplate.com. best free online tracker i have used. i love it. it even shows a graph of how many carbs, protein, and fat you are consuming everyday to help you stay on target. it sounds a lot like weight watchers, but i am getting the one on one time with her, it is cheaper, and you build a relationship. it's almost like you want to track what you eat because you care about this person. anyway.

3. i am to do 60 minutes of cardio 3 times a week. and will then add in 2 days of weight work. i haven't been stellar on my cardio. BUT, as my therapist would want me to point out... i found a zumba class that will work with my schedule and went. all by myself. and it was amazing. dear god, how i miss dancing. the music, the studio, the movement, the sweating, everything. it was exhilarating. i know i will get on a regular schedule, things have just been a little "crazy" around here and we are trying to adjust.

so a few things to add:
a. i take a daily vitamen
b. i take a tbsp of cod liver oil - tastes like oily pine sol
c. i take daily enzymes. i think those are for energy
d. i am working on getting a rx for an iron pill
e. coconut milk is the best thing on this planet
d. and i need to drink 80-100 oz water a day - no SODA!!! i love you DDP

so anyway, here is my journal again to my weight loss journey. feel free to ask questions. i will try and update frequently, but at least one time a week after my check in with my new BFF.

love, your coconut milk drinking gal, pepper

dear god, hate to love it...

i exercised today. it was insane. and i felt amazing after. love those endorphins. i got these dvds years ago. and they are intense. and although i may like her in real life, i want to spew venom in JMs face. not because she is yelling at the camera constantly to work harder, or that her workouts are insanely hard. because both of those are facts. i want to punch her in the face because she has this weird awkward flirtation going on with all members of her workout team. and i kind of hate it. but whatevs. she has a killer body. so i must do as she says. annoying or not. 

tomorrow i am possibly going to try zumba at sweaty chix. i say possibly because the class is fairly late in the evening. as of right now i am committed. but with my ever so UNpredictable job, i just don't know how the day will go. i totally counted all points today too. even the new deliciousness that reeses peanut butter cups have come out with. 

love, your endorphin crazed lady, pepps

dear god, yes...i am certifiable

ok i am insane. i know it. but i have been SO down lately. hating life. hating myself. felling failureish. so i said. hcg...you and i are not working. at all. you make me tired. and have diarhea. and i am SO deprived. so i consulted with mr. rosewater and team mousetrap. and i have come to the conclusion that this weight is coming off no matter what. and i need to change my life. i got a great jump start with the hcg. but now i need to make a change that will last forever. so i joined weight watchers. and when i walked out of the meeting, i felt amazing. a humongous weight was lifted off my shoulders. and i realized a lot of my tiredness was emotional. i feel so free. and excited. i can't wait to exercise. and diet appropriately. i mean. i feel bad. that little rosewater may be 6 or so before he may get another sibling to play with. but i have accepted that. and i think this is a better choice for me. even in the 30 minutes i was at weight watchers i felt better than i ever felt at MD diet. they should take pointers from the ladies at ww. they made me feel so welcome and most importantly made me feel like i can really do this. so. with all that said. i am changing my goals. and my beginning weight to coincide with ww. i will keep my hcg before and after pics. but will start new pics today and continue taking them until i am at my goal weight. so. here we go.

dear god, i am attempting to savor this moment

mr. rosewater had spring break this weekend. and it was easter. so we celebrated with spring/easter traditions. little rosewater had an egg hunt in the den (this damn utah weather is killing me). his eggs came pre-packaged with sugary candy like "nerds" and "laffy taffy". i bought those on purpose, so i wouldn't be tempted with the premium pre-packaged eggs containing chocolate treats. thank god for those "nerds" or else i wouldn't have had any candy at all. meaning that little rosewater (because he thinks he is hysterical) put two little "nerds" in my coveted water bottle. thus, i had a sugary sweet 20 oz surprise.

then, we all colored eggs. and i must say that i very much dislike all these companies (yes, including YOU paas) that have to amp up their egg coloring techniques every year. as if the sheer color factor isn't 'egg'tastic enough. they have to add all this sparkle, camo, sticker, ultra neon nonsense into the mix. not. a. fan. anyway. the eggs have been a treat thus far. because i am allowed one egg on my 500 cals a day. i LOVE hard boiled eggs. and i LOVE that every easter we would make them into egg salad sandies. as nice as that fattening numminess makes my stomach giggle with delight, i am having just as much fun this year without all the cals.

i am officially back down to the 230s. i get a little annoyed with myself that i gained that much weight back. but it has been a lesson. and let us be honest. for reals. it may have been worth gaining a little weight on the cruise. it was that much fun. but i would have liked it to have been only 5 lbs. or none at all. but i guess i am saying that the real HOT pepper inside of me enjoyed myself enough not to beat the less intense pepper up about it. so i lived it up. a lot. and now learning. and paying. but i can do this.

i have been reading the happiness project. loving it. it really has put me in the moment. because if you really know me you know that all i do is plan. plan for the future. i am actually trying to type this and plan what my next steps are to getting ready for bed. but i think if i would have stayed in the moment with baby rosewater and not been planning his homecoming, my time might have been different with him. don't get me wrong. i enjoyed all of it. but would i have savored it more had i been there in that moment rather than thinking about other mundane things? this also helps with my eating and weight "project". i try not to think too far ahead. like, well if i lose this much weight by this date then... i mean i have goals. but i am trying to focus on what i need to do for today. it is a big help.

love, pepper.

dear god, should i pay to learn SKS?

so i have lost 5.8 lbs since friday. i am thinking it is a lot of water weight. but weight is weight right? yay. i LOVE watching the scale go down. motivates me. i am wondering about a personal trainer. what do you think? i wonder if anyone has tried that route before. you know for accountability purposes and some simple life skills (SKS). because i learned yesterday that we all need SKS. i know a little 15 year old that needs SKS training on hygiene. seems easy enough right? not for him. i guess i can just equate it to my need for SKS regarding how NOT to eat an entire serving of cheese sticks and ranch. seems easy enough right? not for me. i am a sucker for that kind of stuff. just like my little 15 year old is a sucker for sleeping in and putting on yesterday's shirt without showering. we all need SKS somewhere in our life i guess. glad i had that lesson. so personal trainer...

love, your non-smelly gal, pepper

dear god, new chapter, new spice

sorry god, i have been seriously mia for about 2 months now. excuses are lame, but just to make myself feel better i will try and explain. i finished my 1st round of hcg and then started my biggest loser video. so i got lazy and lazy and lazy. and then my cruise was coming up. so i got lazier AND way less careful. and i gained some weight. not happy about it. but i have to confess. because that is what you are here for, god, my confessions and such. so here it is. get ready. it's not pretty. my weight is officially back to 247.4 lbs. i have gained 18.8 lbs back. i know. not good. not good at all. 10 of that was on my cruise. i have temporarily failed. HOWEVER. i'm back. in full force. spicin' it up. balls to the wall.

ok. i started my 2nd round of hcg today. this time with the drops. hopefully i will see similar results to my last round. this program is a little different. they allow some different foods and i take the hcg 3 times a day. i will definitely be posting pretty much everyday now. need to be accountable to someone. ps. i am going to try and do this without the appetite suppressants. i will let you know how that goes.

when i get past my 3rd month of picture weight, i will start posting more before and afters. but for now this is about owning up to my mistakes. and making a serious mental note about what NOT to do next time i need to maintain. i obviously need to continue counting cals and such. probably for the rest of my life. or until i get it figured out. BUT. just because i lose 32 lbs does NOT make me an expert. and that god, is what i have learned. i was getting a little too cocky about my weight loss. need to come down from that cloud.

love, not dejected just deexcusing, pepper

dear god, it is finally done

i finally finished my BL audition video. go here to see it.

dear god, my mind is blank

and you and i both know this is never true. that my mind is blank. but i have so much stuff going on right now, that i can't even remember the witty comment i was thinking about posting last night. i had stuff to tell you, god. and now i can't even think about it. but this is what is going on in the life of pepper:

1. working like a crazy person to get the BL video done. i know that it seems like a lot of work for a 1 in a million shot at getting on the show. HOWEVER, this has been therapeutic for me. i've had to stare at myself A LOT. and i am finding that a) i'm not that disgusting (or at least i am just getting used to it) b) i am not hiding behind myself anymore. i don't care who or what sees this video with all my pudge spilling out everywhere. c) i am somewhat entertaining, and d) i finally found out where little rosewater gets all his awesome expressions from. (think elle woods in legally blonde right now) ME!!

2. i am working hard(ish) on staying low carb. FYI - noodles and co does not have LOW CARB noodles. is this weird, or is it just me? anyway, i am eating a lot of protein and trying to stay away from chocolate and such. doing fairly well this week. i haven't weighed in a week. so i am a little nervous about getting on the scale.

3. going on my cruise in 11 days. i cannot wait. however, i am very ill prepared right now. haven't even started packing. i have made several lists, though. and i am really thinking everyday about my meal options so that i don't gain 119 lbs in 5 days.

4. JUST finished my last class for grad school.

5. and ordering my hcg drops today.

love, your crazy busy gal, pepper

dear god, this amusement park is making me want to vomit...

i am beginning to think i can only diet or lose weight or stay healthy if i am on some insane strict program. the more insane the better. i mean, my mind set is there. i am done. i am done being this way. but dear god, this week has been so ugly. and by ugly i mean, pizza x 3 times, chocolate x 4 times, chocolate cake, 1 ddp (tasted like heaven, but mr. rosewater said it would be ok as it was for medicinal purposes), cafe rio x 2, cream fuffs (little rosewater's name) x 1 billion, and the list could continue, but because i wrote NOTHING down this week - except for monday - then i completely failed. grr. but, i paid for it big time. wed night. up all night. terrible stomach pains, terrible dia. it was awful. i am blaming this on my womanly cycle. but seriously. 1 week of ovulating and one week of cycle means 2 weeks out of the month of damn excuses to eat like a very "large" person ( i have been asked to stop calling myself fat...) i have 3 weeks left until cruise. still about 10 lbs to lose. i am in the super big pit of a dieting roller coaster. any suggestions? because you have to be as sick of this annoying back and forth as i am.

ps - most of the food doesn't even taste that good. really. i actually caught myself REALLY enjoying green peppers and hummus the other day.

love, your head spinning gal, pepper

dear god, pepper is BACK

ok. i am pretty sure i was ovulating last week. or something womanly. because i cannot even tell you what or why i had that meltdown. but i guess that is why i am awesomely dramatic. and nothing does drama better than a complete and total meltdown... in front of your work pals. nightmare. anyway, here is the info that you have been missing:

1. i tried out for BL on saturday. i got a VIP pass which basically guaranteed me a spot to see the casting directors and i didn't have to wake up super early to get in line. so we went around 8 am and left around 9 am. really quick and very anti-climatic process. we sat in a group of 12 people half-circling a casting director. we had 7 minutes. each person told the director who we were, fatness, do we play sports? what restaurant do we like? 2 interesting things about you that is NOT on your application. i SO wish i had NOT taken this liTeral. because i blew it. i didn't even talk about anthon or why i need this weight loss. thus, no call back. but whatev. also, i must say that i have NEVER been upset about being the smallest person in a group. well, i was very upset about this fact on saturday. 235 lbs is just a little crack userish i guess. anyway, we are moving on and here we go to number...

2. the most epic BL audition tape ever. i will be posting the final product on this blog. but i just want you to know that it is going to include some very awesome lip syncing and dancing moves - pretty much as awesome as an episode of glee. mr. rosewater says "well, you will be memorable". so here goes nothing.

3. i weighed myself this morning. i gained 7 lbs. i am back to 235.2 lbs. i needed to face the music. and i have to be accountable. so there you go, god. i am out of the ruble of rock and moving forward. i have decided that MD clinic can suck it. i refuse to even think about them. i can do this without them. so i am going back to my old standby - body for life. i love this program. it just fits me. i love the diet, workouts, and very much the FREE DAY. even though i get lots of dia from my free days. however, if you really know me then you know i do not mind an occasional bought of dia. sorry.

anyway, i am feeling much better. i am cruising in exactly 27 days. i am really wanting to get to my 15%. which is 12.2 lbs. i am not sure this can happen. 3 lbs a week. its a little steep. but i need all the encouragement i can get. so that means, god, that you need to put bugs in people's ears. like those that i live with and work with and see all the time. and even those i don't know that are in the same boat i am. advice is very SOLICITED at this time.

OMWord. i have to get this video done asap. before i lose anymore weight :) and before the deadline - which is march 25. aaahhhh. just a little fun precursor for you... can you say "i don't think your ready for this jelly"

love, your bootylicious lady, pepper

dear god, mama got a VIP pass

so i guess the BL audition needs to happen. because i randomly entered a contest online - which (think of rob lowe on parks and rec) liTerally did not make any sense. so i guessed. and i WON. so now i have to audition. it seems a little meant to be. even if i don't get anything but the experience. i have to go now. i am now a VIP. a fat VIP, but whatevs.

dear god, pepper is officially MIA - just for a bit

sorry i haven't written in a while. life has turned over on top of me right now. and pepper is lying underneath all the ruble and dust and volcano rock (as little rosewater always says). so she will be back shortly. just need a little break. but just so we (pepper and whatever this is that is lying on top of her) are held accountable... weight has been gained. about 4 lbs. so the scale is back in the 230s. 234.1 to be exact. just typing this is making me sick. but the truth can be ugly. i am however, resigned and am going to try out for BL this weekend. pepper or the fat ruble that is suffocating her. not sure which. but we will let you know the outcome. i will be back soon. i keep changing between we and i, so i think i am close to crawling out of this shit. balls to the wall.

love, us

dear god, here comes month 2

here are my up-to-date pictures. i think the side view shows the most progress. sorry about the serious ghetto photoshop. i am working on something much better for future posts. 

dear god, i am back in the 20s

FINALLY. after a really long drought of weight loss, i lost 3.4 more lbs. and now i am in the 220s. i haven't seen those numbers in a VERY long time. but i am feeling a little weird about taking my month pictures. i have only lost about 10 lbs since my last photos.

advice: should i post more pics?

love, pepper.

dear god, do i really need to pay that much money?

PREFACE - long story beware...so i went to the clinic (md diet) yesterday to visit with my doctor and such. the nutritionist guy that works there - well ask me in person what i think about him - but anyway, he looks at my chart upon entering and says "how we doin?" and i said, well i am struggling a little. and he looks back at my chart and says "yeah, i can see that, what's going on?" meaning, that only 27 lbs (30 on my scale) is something to snub at. i was so irritated. i am throwing all this money at this clinic for them to say "OH MY WOW, you just lost 1/2 a pound, you are amazing, good for you." NO. apparently at md diet you have to lose at least 40-50 lbs on the hCG 40 day diet to be successful and get praise. and so i started asking him questions about what i could be doing different, to curb my chocolate cravings and he is just looking at me with this stare and starts throwing numbers at me faster than i can think. "well you need 45 g of carbs and you need 120-140 g of protein and you need to eat more in the morning" and on and on. finally one of the nice "girls" (they call them) came and talked with me. she spent like 20 minutes going over everything. and GET THIS, said for the "next two weeks you cannot eat more than 15 g of carbs a day". this is post hCG protocol. AFTER THAT, i get 45 g of carbs. so mr. nutritionist (who i really think hates women AND fat people - aka worst employment in the world for him) didn't even care to notice that 45 g of carbs would have totally ruined my 30 lbs. he just didn't even ask or look at my chart to see what phase i was on. what the hell? anyway, so i am sitting there for an hour. YES, you read right. ONE freaking hour to talk to the doctor for one second. and so i sat there and i thought. this is ridiculous. the nice "girl" that helped me out was so sweet, but in the middle of her ass kicking shpill she says,
"you realize you are going to just have to spend A LOT of money on this diet". so i was just waiting thinking all this through, rude guy who really doesn't care just sees $$$$ + someone who readily admits that i am going to be throwing money at them to lose weight + a one hour wait to get appetite suppressants + $140 bill = i am the dumbest fat person out there.

so after that rant. thanks for listening, god. i have decided. with much conversation with mr. rosewater. that i can do this on my own. i don't need to just hand "ridiculous" amounts of money at this clinic or anyone else to count carbs and protein. so i think i am done with md diet. NO, that does not mean i am giving up. i am continuing on my ever needed journey. just not the spendy one. however, that isn't to say that if i can get my hands on some more hCG, i will be more than happy to spend that money for another 40 days. i know this all sounds like a big round the loop cluster of confusion and rambling. and really, if that clinic was amazing, i would totally spend the money. because it would be worth it. so if you know of a place that treats their clients with respect and really helps them, let me know. i guess i am saying, in the meantime, i can't go back there. because i will just get pissed. and like papa says, then i will have no one to blame (or to complain about) but myself.

so i guess it isn't about the money really. but about the treatment of the fat person. why pay that much money for someone not to even look, ask, or care what phase i am on or why i am struggling. and like mr. rosewater says, just take a look at their wonderful advertising gimmick. an anorexic climbing out of a fat suit.

and please don't get me wrong. i chose md diet. and i knew it was going to be expensive. i guess i just thought it would be more counselorish and therapeutic rather than pushing the cattle through. so there. i am not blaming them. they do their business and do it well. but i just won't be a patron anymore.

love, your saving money gal (for now), pepper

dear god, i just had an epiphany

so i was posting in my personal blog and had an epiphany. and below is the post so you can understand my epiphany. but i think i am starting to figure it out. and i will let you know what "it" is when i get there, or even while i am on my way. but a few days ago, i was lost in how to make a full change and to love myself. but, i think i can do this, and there might be a possibility for an affirmation every morning to remember this epiphany. but anyway, here it is:

i don't get my picture taken very much, mostly because i am behind the camera, but also because i hate getting my picture taken for one reason - i am sure you can guess what that might be :) anyway, these pics are both from little rosewater's birthday parties. how i have changed is below

one year ago, i was probably about 20 lbs heavier (i only know because the saweet velor "jumpsuit" i have on in this picture is pretty snug. now it is pretty drapey). one year ago, i had no idea what kind of year i was going to have - which most people don't know, unless they are insanely awesome. one year ago, i ate anything and everything i wanted to at little rosewater's birthday dinner. one year ago, i was a LONG way from graduating.

now, i am healthier than i have been in at least 10 years. now, i will always be cautious about life and love everyone i can as much as i can everyday. now, i had an orange and tea at little rosewater's birthday dinner - while everyone else had pizza and cake. now, i have 6 weeks until i am done with graduate school.

2010 rocked my world in a really really bad way. but like i have told many people, 2011 is balls to the wall in every aspect of my life. and i am living it as much as i can.

and in memory of my angel. i just want to put out there, for the 4 of you reading. that life can change within one second. and i know you hear that all the time. and it never resignates with you, unless it happens. i look back on 2010 and did not accomplish a lot and i lost even more. and i look at that person in the picture one year ago and i feel sad for her. because she has no idea. and if she had an idea, maybe she would have changed things and had an amazing year. so, that is why i am balls to the wall. for the rest of my life. and now i just realized that i need to do a few things to be in full compliance of my new motto.

ps. don't take this as a downer. just take it as a reason to get up everyday. and love who you love with all you have.