dear god, it is finally done

i finally finished my BL audition video. go here to see it.

dear god, my mind is blank

and you and i both know this is never true. that my mind is blank. but i have so much stuff going on right now, that i can't even remember the witty comment i was thinking about posting last night. i had stuff to tell you, god. and now i can't even think about it. but this is what is going on in the life of pepper:

1. working like a crazy person to get the BL video done. i know that it seems like a lot of work for a 1 in a million shot at getting on the show. HOWEVER, this has been therapeutic for me. i've had to stare at myself A LOT. and i am finding that a) i'm not that disgusting (or at least i am just getting used to it) b) i am not hiding behind myself anymore. i don't care who or what sees this video with all my pudge spilling out everywhere. c) i am somewhat entertaining, and d) i finally found out where little rosewater gets all his awesome expressions from. (think elle woods in legally blonde right now) ME!!

2. i am working hard(ish) on staying low carb. FYI - noodles and co does not have LOW CARB noodles. is this weird, or is it just me? anyway, i am eating a lot of protein and trying to stay away from chocolate and such. doing fairly well this week. i haven't weighed in a week. so i am a little nervous about getting on the scale.

3. going on my cruise in 11 days. i cannot wait. however, i am very ill prepared right now. haven't even started packing. i have made several lists, though. and i am really thinking everyday about my meal options so that i don't gain 119 lbs in 5 days.

4. JUST finished my last class for grad school.

5. and ordering my hcg drops today.

love, your crazy busy gal, pepper

dear god, this amusement park is making me want to vomit...

i am beginning to think i can only diet or lose weight or stay healthy if i am on some insane strict program. the more insane the better. i mean, my mind set is there. i am done. i am done being this way. but dear god, this week has been so ugly. and by ugly i mean, pizza x 3 times, chocolate x 4 times, chocolate cake, 1 ddp (tasted like heaven, but mr. rosewater said it would be ok as it was for medicinal purposes), cafe rio x 2, cream fuffs (little rosewater's name) x 1 billion, and the list could continue, but because i wrote NOTHING down this week - except for monday - then i completely failed. grr. but, i paid for it big time. wed night. up all night. terrible stomach pains, terrible dia. it was awful. i am blaming this on my womanly cycle. but seriously. 1 week of ovulating and one week of cycle means 2 weeks out of the month of damn excuses to eat like a very "large" person ( i have been asked to stop calling myself fat...) i have 3 weeks left until cruise. still about 10 lbs to lose. i am in the super big pit of a dieting roller coaster. any suggestions? because you have to be as sick of this annoying back and forth as i am.

ps - most of the food doesn't even taste that good. really. i actually caught myself REALLY enjoying green peppers and hummus the other day.

love, your head spinning gal, pepper

dear god, pepper is BACK

ok. i am pretty sure i was ovulating last week. or something womanly. because i cannot even tell you what or why i had that meltdown. but i guess that is why i am awesomely dramatic. and nothing does drama better than a complete and total meltdown... in front of your work pals. nightmare. anyway, here is the info that you have been missing:

1. i tried out for BL on saturday. i got a VIP pass which basically guaranteed me a spot to see the casting directors and i didn't have to wake up super early to get in line. so we went around 8 am and left around 9 am. really quick and very anti-climatic process. we sat in a group of 12 people half-circling a casting director. we had 7 minutes. each person told the director who we were, fatness, do we play sports? what restaurant do we like? 2 interesting things about you that is NOT on your application. i SO wish i had NOT taken this liTeral. because i blew it. i didn't even talk about anthon or why i need this weight loss. thus, no call back. but whatev. also, i must say that i have NEVER been upset about being the smallest person in a group. well, i was very upset about this fact on saturday. 235 lbs is just a little crack userish i guess. anyway, we are moving on and here we go to number...

2. the most epic BL audition tape ever. i will be posting the final product on this blog. but i just want you to know that it is going to include some very awesome lip syncing and dancing moves - pretty much as awesome as an episode of glee. mr. rosewater says "well, you will be memorable". so here goes nothing.

3. i weighed myself this morning. i gained 7 lbs. i am back to 235.2 lbs. i needed to face the music. and i have to be accountable. so there you go, god. i am out of the ruble of rock and moving forward. i have decided that MD clinic can suck it. i refuse to even think about them. i can do this without them. so i am going back to my old standby - body for life. i love this program. it just fits me. i love the diet, workouts, and very much the FREE DAY. even though i get lots of dia from my free days. however, if you really know me then you know i do not mind an occasional bought of dia. sorry.

anyway, i am feeling much better. i am cruising in exactly 27 days. i am really wanting to get to my 15%. which is 12.2 lbs. i am not sure this can happen. 3 lbs a week. its a little steep. but i need all the encouragement i can get. so that means, god, that you need to put bugs in people's ears. like those that i live with and work with and see all the time. and even those i don't know that are in the same boat i am. advice is very SOLICITED at this time.

OMWord. i have to get this video done asap. before i lose anymore weight :) and before the deadline - which is march 25. aaahhhh. just a little fun precursor for you... can you say "i don't think your ready for this jelly"

love, your bootylicious lady, pepper

dear god, mama got a VIP pass

so i guess the BL audition needs to happen. because i randomly entered a contest online - which (think of rob lowe on parks and rec) liTerally did not make any sense. so i guessed. and i WON. so now i have to audition. it seems a little meant to be. even if i don't get anything but the experience. i have to go now. i am now a VIP. a fat VIP, but whatevs.

dear god, pepper is officially MIA - just for a bit

sorry i haven't written in a while. life has turned over on top of me right now. and pepper is lying underneath all the ruble and dust and volcano rock (as little rosewater always says). so she will be back shortly. just need a little break. but just so we (pepper and whatever this is that is lying on top of her) are held accountable... weight has been gained. about 4 lbs. so the scale is back in the 230s. 234.1 to be exact. just typing this is making me sick. but the truth can be ugly. i am however, resigned and am going to try out for BL this weekend. pepper or the fat ruble that is suffocating her. not sure which. but we will let you know the outcome. i will be back soon. i keep changing between we and i, so i think i am close to crawling out of this shit. balls to the wall.

love, us

dear god, here comes month 2

here are my up-to-date pictures. i think the side view shows the most progress. sorry about the serious ghetto photoshop. i am working on something much better for future posts. 

dear god, i am back in the 20s

FINALLY. after a really long drought of weight loss, i lost 3.4 more lbs. and now i am in the 220s. i haven't seen those numbers in a VERY long time. but i am feeling a little weird about taking my month pictures. i have only lost about 10 lbs since my last photos.

advice: should i post more pics?

love, pepper.

dear god, do i really need to pay that much money?

PREFACE - long story beware...so i went to the clinic (md diet) yesterday to visit with my doctor and such. the nutritionist guy that works there - well ask me in person what i think about him - but anyway, he looks at my chart upon entering and says "how we doin?" and i said, well i am struggling a little. and he looks back at my chart and says "yeah, i can see that, what's going on?" meaning, that only 27 lbs (30 on my scale) is something to snub at. i was so irritated. i am throwing all this money at this clinic for them to say "OH MY WOW, you just lost 1/2 a pound, you are amazing, good for you." NO. apparently at md diet you have to lose at least 40-50 lbs on the hCG 40 day diet to be successful and get praise. and so i started asking him questions about what i could be doing different, to curb my chocolate cravings and he is just looking at me with this stare and starts throwing numbers at me faster than i can think. "well you need 45 g of carbs and you need 120-140 g of protein and you need to eat more in the morning" and on and on. finally one of the nice "girls" (they call them) came and talked with me. she spent like 20 minutes going over everything. and GET THIS, said for the "next two weeks you cannot eat more than 15 g of carbs a day". this is post hCG protocol. AFTER THAT, i get 45 g of carbs. so mr. nutritionist (who i really think hates women AND fat people - aka worst employment in the world for him) didn't even care to notice that 45 g of carbs would have totally ruined my 30 lbs. he just didn't even ask or look at my chart to see what phase i was on. what the hell? anyway, so i am sitting there for an hour. YES, you read right. ONE freaking hour to talk to the doctor for one second. and so i sat there and i thought. this is ridiculous. the nice "girl" that helped me out was so sweet, but in the middle of her ass kicking shpill she says,
"you realize you are going to just have to spend A LOT of money on this diet". so i was just waiting thinking all this through, rude guy who really doesn't care just sees $$$$ + someone who readily admits that i am going to be throwing money at them to lose weight + a one hour wait to get appetite suppressants + $140 bill = i am the dumbest fat person out there.

so after that rant. thanks for listening, god. i have decided. with much conversation with mr. rosewater. that i can do this on my own. i don't need to just hand "ridiculous" amounts of money at this clinic or anyone else to count carbs and protein. so i think i am done with md diet. NO, that does not mean i am giving up. i am continuing on my ever needed journey. just not the spendy one. however, that isn't to say that if i can get my hands on some more hCG, i will be more than happy to spend that money for another 40 days. i know this all sounds like a big round the loop cluster of confusion and rambling. and really, if that clinic was amazing, i would totally spend the money. because it would be worth it. so if you know of a place that treats their clients with respect and really helps them, let me know. i guess i am saying, in the meantime, i can't go back there. because i will just get pissed. and like papa says, then i will have no one to blame (or to complain about) but myself.

so i guess it isn't about the money really. but about the treatment of the fat person. why pay that much money for someone not to even look, ask, or care what phase i am on or why i am struggling. and like mr. rosewater says, just take a look at their wonderful advertising gimmick. an anorexic climbing out of a fat suit.

and please don't get me wrong. i chose md diet. and i knew it was going to be expensive. i guess i just thought it would be more counselorish and therapeutic rather than pushing the cattle through. so there. i am not blaming them. they do their business and do it well. but i just won't be a patron anymore.

love, your saving money gal (for now), pepper

dear god, i just had an epiphany

so i was posting in my personal blog and had an epiphany. and below is the post so you can understand my epiphany. but i think i am starting to figure it out. and i will let you know what "it" is when i get there, or even while i am on my way. but a few days ago, i was lost in how to make a full change and to love myself. but, i think i can do this, and there might be a possibility for an affirmation every morning to remember this epiphany. but anyway, here it is:

i don't get my picture taken very much, mostly because i am behind the camera, but also because i hate getting my picture taken for one reason - i am sure you can guess what that might be :) anyway, these pics are both from little rosewater's birthday parties. how i have changed is below

one year ago, i was probably about 20 lbs heavier (i only know because the saweet velor "jumpsuit" i have on in this picture is pretty snug. now it is pretty drapey). one year ago, i had no idea what kind of year i was going to have - which most people don't know, unless they are insanely awesome. one year ago, i ate anything and everything i wanted to at little rosewater's birthday dinner. one year ago, i was a LONG way from graduating.

now, i am healthier than i have been in at least 10 years. now, i will always be cautious about life and love everyone i can as much as i can everyday. now, i had an orange and tea at little rosewater's birthday dinner - while everyone else had pizza and cake. now, i have 6 weeks until i am done with graduate school.

2010 rocked my world in a really really bad way. but like i have told many people, 2011 is balls to the wall in every aspect of my life. and i am living it as much as i can.

and in memory of my angel. i just want to put out there, for the 4 of you reading. that life can change within one second. and i know you hear that all the time. and it never resignates with you, unless it happens. i look back on 2010 and did not accomplish a lot and i lost even more. and i look at that person in the picture one year ago and i feel sad for her. because she has no idea. and if she had an idea, maybe she would have changed things and had an amazing year. so, that is why i am balls to the wall. for the rest of my life. and now i just realized that i need to do a few things to be in full compliance of my new motto.

ps. don't take this as a downer. just take it as a reason to get up everyday. and love who you love with all you have.