dear god, hate to love it...

i exercised today. it was insane. and i felt amazing after. love those endorphins. i got these dvds years ago. and they are intense. and although i may like her in real life, i want to spew venom in JMs face. not because she is yelling at the camera constantly to work harder, or that her workouts are insanely hard. because both of those are facts. i want to punch her in the face because she has this weird awkward flirtation going on with all members of her workout team. and i kind of hate it. but whatevs. she has a killer body. so i must do as she says. annoying or not. 

tomorrow i am possibly going to try zumba at sweaty chix. i say possibly because the class is fairly late in the evening. as of right now i am committed. but with my ever so UNpredictable job, i just don't know how the day will go. i totally counted all points today too. even the new deliciousness that reeses peanut butter cups have come out with. 

love, your endorphin crazed lady, pepps

dear god, yes...i am certifiable

ok i am insane. i know it. but i have been SO down lately. hating life. hating myself. felling failureish. so i said. hcg...you and i are not working. at all. you make me tired. and have diarhea. and i am SO deprived. so i consulted with mr. rosewater and team mousetrap. and i have come to the conclusion that this weight is coming off no matter what. and i need to change my life. i got a great jump start with the hcg. but now i need to make a change that will last forever. so i joined weight watchers. and when i walked out of the meeting, i felt amazing. a humongous weight was lifted off my shoulders. and i realized a lot of my tiredness was emotional. i feel so free. and excited. i can't wait to exercise. and diet appropriately. i mean. i feel bad. that little rosewater may be 6 or so before he may get another sibling to play with. but i have accepted that. and i think this is a better choice for me. even in the 30 minutes i was at weight watchers i felt better than i ever felt at MD diet. they should take pointers from the ladies at ww. they made me feel so welcome and most importantly made me feel like i can really do this. so. with all that said. i am changing my goals. and my beginning weight to coincide with ww. i will keep my hcg before and after pics. but will start new pics today and continue taking them until i am at my goal weight. so. here we go.

dear god, i am attempting to savor this moment

mr. rosewater had spring break this weekend. and it was easter. so we celebrated with spring/easter traditions. little rosewater had an egg hunt in the den (this damn utah weather is killing me). his eggs came pre-packaged with sugary candy like "nerds" and "laffy taffy". i bought those on purpose, so i wouldn't be tempted with the premium pre-packaged eggs containing chocolate treats. thank god for those "nerds" or else i wouldn't have had any candy at all. meaning that little rosewater (because he thinks he is hysterical) put two little "nerds" in my coveted water bottle. thus, i had a sugary sweet 20 oz surprise.

then, we all colored eggs. and i must say that i very much dislike all these companies (yes, including YOU paas) that have to amp up their egg coloring techniques every year. as if the sheer color factor isn't 'egg'tastic enough. they have to add all this sparkle, camo, sticker, ultra neon nonsense into the mix. not. a. fan. anyway. the eggs have been a treat thus far. because i am allowed one egg on my 500 cals a day. i LOVE hard boiled eggs. and i LOVE that every easter we would make them into egg salad sandies. as nice as that fattening numminess makes my stomach giggle with delight, i am having just as much fun this year without all the cals.

i am officially back down to the 230s. i get a little annoyed with myself that i gained that much weight back. but it has been a lesson. and let us be honest. for reals. it may have been worth gaining a little weight on the cruise. it was that much fun. but i would have liked it to have been only 5 lbs. or none at all. but i guess i am saying that the real HOT pepper inside of me enjoyed myself enough not to beat the less intense pepper up about it. so i lived it up. a lot. and now learning. and paying. but i can do this.

i have been reading the happiness project. loving it. it really has put me in the moment. because if you really know me you know that all i do is plan. plan for the future. i am actually trying to type this and plan what my next steps are to getting ready for bed. but i think if i would have stayed in the moment with baby rosewater and not been planning his homecoming, my time might have been different with him. don't get me wrong. i enjoyed all of it. but would i have savored it more had i been there in that moment rather than thinking about other mundane things? this also helps with my eating and weight "project". i try not to think too far ahead. like, well if i lose this much weight by this date then... i mean i have goals. but i am trying to focus on what i need to do for today. it is a big help.

love, pepper.

dear god, should i pay to learn SKS?

so i have lost 5.8 lbs since friday. i am thinking it is a lot of water weight. but weight is weight right? yay. i LOVE watching the scale go down. motivates me. i am wondering about a personal trainer. what do you think? i wonder if anyone has tried that route before. you know for accountability purposes and some simple life skills (SKS). because i learned yesterday that we all need SKS. i know a little 15 year old that needs SKS training on hygiene. seems easy enough right? not for him. i guess i can just equate it to my need for SKS regarding how NOT to eat an entire serving of cheese sticks and ranch. seems easy enough right? not for me. i am a sucker for that kind of stuff. just like my little 15 year old is a sucker for sleeping in and putting on yesterday's shirt without showering. we all need SKS somewhere in our life i guess. glad i had that lesson. so personal trainer...

love, your non-smelly gal, pepper

dear god, new chapter, new spice

sorry god, i have been seriously mia for about 2 months now. excuses are lame, but just to make myself feel better i will try and explain. i finished my 1st round of hcg and then started my biggest loser video. so i got lazy and lazy and lazy. and then my cruise was coming up. so i got lazier AND way less careful. and i gained some weight. not happy about it. but i have to confess. because that is what you are here for, god, my confessions and such. so here it is. get ready. it's not pretty. my weight is officially back to 247.4 lbs. i have gained 18.8 lbs back. i know. not good. not good at all. 10 of that was on my cruise. i have temporarily failed. HOWEVER. i'm back. in full force. spicin' it up. balls to the wall.

ok. i started my 2nd round of hcg today. this time with the drops. hopefully i will see similar results to my last round. this program is a little different. they allow some different foods and i take the hcg 3 times a day. i will definitely be posting pretty much everyday now. need to be accountable to someone. ps. i am going to try and do this without the appetite suppressants. i will let you know how that goes.

when i get past my 3rd month of picture weight, i will start posting more before and afters. but for now this is about owning up to my mistakes. and making a serious mental note about what NOT to do next time i need to maintain. i obviously need to continue counting cals and such. probably for the rest of my life. or until i get it figured out. BUT. just because i lose 32 lbs does NOT make me an expert. and that god, is what i have learned. i was getting a little too cocky about my weight loss. need to come down from that cloud.

love, not dejected just deexcusing, pepper

dear god, it is finally done

i finally finished my BL audition video. go here to see it.

dear god, my mind is blank

and you and i both know this is never true. that my mind is blank. but i have so much stuff going on right now, that i can't even remember the witty comment i was thinking about posting last night. i had stuff to tell you, god. and now i can't even think about it. but this is what is going on in the life of pepper:

1. working like a crazy person to get the BL video done. i know that it seems like a lot of work for a 1 in a million shot at getting on the show. HOWEVER, this has been therapeutic for me. i've had to stare at myself A LOT. and i am finding that a) i'm not that disgusting (or at least i am just getting used to it) b) i am not hiding behind myself anymore. i don't care who or what sees this video with all my pudge spilling out everywhere. c) i am somewhat entertaining, and d) i finally found out where little rosewater gets all his awesome expressions from. (think elle woods in legally blonde right now) ME!!

2. i am working hard(ish) on staying low carb. FYI - noodles and co does not have LOW CARB noodles. is this weird, or is it just me? anyway, i am eating a lot of protein and trying to stay away from chocolate and such. doing fairly well this week. i haven't weighed in a week. so i am a little nervous about getting on the scale.

3. going on my cruise in 11 days. i cannot wait. however, i am very ill prepared right now. haven't even started packing. i have made several lists, though. and i am really thinking everyday about my meal options so that i don't gain 119 lbs in 5 days.

4. JUST finished my last class for grad school.

5. and ordering my hcg drops today.

love, your crazy busy gal, pepper

dear god, this amusement park is making me want to vomit...

i am beginning to think i can only diet or lose weight or stay healthy if i am on some insane strict program. the more insane the better. i mean, my mind set is there. i am done. i am done being this way. but dear god, this week has been so ugly. and by ugly i mean, pizza x 3 times, chocolate x 4 times, chocolate cake, 1 ddp (tasted like heaven, but mr. rosewater said it would be ok as it was for medicinal purposes), cafe rio x 2, cream fuffs (little rosewater's name) x 1 billion, and the list could continue, but because i wrote NOTHING down this week - except for monday - then i completely failed. grr. but, i paid for it big time. wed night. up all night. terrible stomach pains, terrible dia. it was awful. i am blaming this on my womanly cycle. but seriously. 1 week of ovulating and one week of cycle means 2 weeks out of the month of damn excuses to eat like a very "large" person ( i have been asked to stop calling myself fat...) i have 3 weeks left until cruise. still about 10 lbs to lose. i am in the super big pit of a dieting roller coaster. any suggestions? because you have to be as sick of this annoying back and forth as i am.

ps - most of the food doesn't even taste that good. really. i actually caught myself REALLY enjoying green peppers and hummus the other day.

love, your head spinning gal, pepper

dear god, pepper is BACK

ok. i am pretty sure i was ovulating last week. or something womanly. because i cannot even tell you what or why i had that meltdown. but i guess that is why i am awesomely dramatic. and nothing does drama better than a complete and total meltdown... in front of your work pals. nightmare. anyway, here is the info that you have been missing:

1. i tried out for BL on saturday. i got a VIP pass which basically guaranteed me a spot to see the casting directors and i didn't have to wake up super early to get in line. so we went around 8 am and left around 9 am. really quick and very anti-climatic process. we sat in a group of 12 people half-circling a casting director. we had 7 minutes. each person told the director who we were, fatness, do we play sports? what restaurant do we like? 2 interesting things about you that is NOT on your application. i SO wish i had NOT taken this liTeral. because i blew it. i didn't even talk about anthon or why i need this weight loss. thus, no call back. but whatev. also, i must say that i have NEVER been upset about being the smallest person in a group. well, i was very upset about this fact on saturday. 235 lbs is just a little crack userish i guess. anyway, we are moving on and here we go to number...

2. the most epic BL audition tape ever. i will be posting the final product on this blog. but i just want you to know that it is going to include some very awesome lip syncing and dancing moves - pretty much as awesome as an episode of glee. mr. rosewater says "well, you will be memorable". so here goes nothing.

3. i weighed myself this morning. i gained 7 lbs. i am back to 235.2 lbs. i needed to face the music. and i have to be accountable. so there you go, god. i am out of the ruble of rock and moving forward. i have decided that MD clinic can suck it. i refuse to even think about them. i can do this without them. so i am going back to my old standby - body for life. i love this program. it just fits me. i love the diet, workouts, and very much the FREE DAY. even though i get lots of dia from my free days. however, if you really know me then you know i do not mind an occasional bought of dia. sorry.

anyway, i am feeling much better. i am cruising in exactly 27 days. i am really wanting to get to my 15%. which is 12.2 lbs. i am not sure this can happen. 3 lbs a week. its a little steep. but i need all the encouragement i can get. so that means, god, that you need to put bugs in people's ears. like those that i live with and work with and see all the time. and even those i don't know that are in the same boat i am. advice is very SOLICITED at this time.

OMWord. i have to get this video done asap. before i lose anymore weight :) and before the deadline - which is march 25. aaahhhh. just a little fun precursor for you... can you say "i don't think your ready for this jelly"

love, your bootylicious lady, pepper

dear god, mama got a VIP pass

so i guess the BL audition needs to happen. because i randomly entered a contest online - which (think of rob lowe on parks and rec) liTerally did not make any sense. so i guessed. and i WON. so now i have to audition. it seems a little meant to be. even if i don't get anything but the experience. i have to go now. i am now a VIP. a fat VIP, but whatevs.